John Laird, June 7: Trusting investigative aides pays off

John Laird

Last week's meeting with my Corps of Investigative Aides (CIA) began with their joint reprimand of my recent behavior. They had concluded that my suggestions to my wife about how we could celebrate our 39th anniversary had been inept and insensitive.

In retrospect, I see that my staff makes a good point. A few days before our anniversary, I knew there was a 50-50 chance I would forget the big event. Wouldn't be the first time. So I made a pre-emptive offer to my wife, hoping to convince her I was deep into the planning. "Honey," I said, "What would you rather do for our anniversary? Fly to New York City, dine at the Blue Hill restaurant in Greenwich Village and see the popular Broadway play 'Joe Turner's Come and Gone' at the Belasco Theater like the Obamas?"

"Or?" she inquired giddily.

"Or fly to Crawford, Texas, and clear brush?"

She seemed startled, frustrated. "Only a native Texan would ask such a question," snapped the native Coloradoan and love of my life. She added: "It just proves why Barack Obama is president of the United States and why you'll never make it out of Hazel Dell."

My CIA operatives agreed with her, spurning my outreach efforts as feeble and coarse. "Not too suave," one aide noted. "Next year, try to put yourself in her shoes, and read up on how to be as romantic as Obama."

Point taken, I mumbled. Then we moved on to the second item on our agenda: current events and politics.

My spies were excited to report an astonishing secret they had uncovered through meticulous review of radio talk-show transcripts. "This one's got Pulitzer gold dust all over it," one aide chirped.

"Great!" I shot back. "Bring it on."

He stroked his chin, looked confidently at his colleagues and whispered, "Rush Limbaugh is a closet liberal!"

I stood up and kicked back my chair.

Another aide chimed in, "That's right, and the liberal Limbaugh is covertly sabotaging the Republican Party!" I tried to catch my breath and wheezed at my chief of staff: "But I can't put that in a column without some proof." He rolled his eyes. "When did lack of proof ever stop you in the past?"

He reached into a satchel, looked over his shoulder, slowly extracted a thick folder and plopped it on the table. "See for yourself." I sat back down and opened the dossier. The first page described how Limbaugh had intentionally aided Obama's victory last November. Transcripts showed where El Rushbo had daily trashed GOP candidate John McCain. "Too moderate!" the Doctor of Democracy thundered repeatedly about the GOP choice for president. "Pandering to mainstream Americans and abandoning bedrock conservative values is no way for Republicans to win elections!" shrieked the "man who runs America." Alas, poor John never had a chance.

Another page showed how Limbaugh has condemned other respected Republicans, notably Colin Powell. Just because Powell served as national security adviser under Republican President Ronald Reagan, and just because he served as chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff under Republican President George H.W. Bush, and just because he served as secretary of state under Republican President George W. Bush, does not necessarily make Powell a Republican, Limbaugh insisted.

No, sir. Instead, the words of a thrice-divorced radio announcer with one year of college who brags about having been fired seven times … that is the voice that matters more to modern Republicans than Powell's.

One of my aides put his hand on the papers and whispered, "You needn't look any farther. Here's the bottom line: Limbaugh knows that nothing — not his shows, not your columns — nothing matters more than winning elections. He has no suggestion who can win a presidential election for the GOP. Not one. The only Republican he likes is a president who served 20 years ago. Rush has to be a liberal infiltrator."

Limbaugh's clandestine anti-GOP jihad was starting to make sense to me. My aide concluded: "Only a liberal in disguise could have inflicted this much damage on the Republican Party. So as you can see, Rush really is the man who runs America."