John Laird July 5: Close elections lead to tough politics

John Laird

Chris Gregoire and Al Franken are two of the most intriguing public figures in America, traveling on detached but parallel paths.

They're separated by political roles (governor of Washington and senator from Minnesota, respectively) and by personality traits, but they're linked by numerous similarities.

The personality contrast is striking. Gregoire once told The Columbian's editorial board, when asked to describe her worst flaw: "Some people say I'm too lawyerly." That is so not Al. By contrast, Franken gained fame as a comedian, political rapscallion and shameless author. Two of his most popular books are "Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot and Other Observations," and "Lies and the Lying Liars who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right." At a 2003 book fair, Franken appeared on a televised panel discussion with Bill O'Reilly. Franken used his speech to illuminate several fabrications that O'Reilly had perpetuated. Poor Bill just sat there at the dais, fuming but speechless.

Many people say these two books are why Limbaugh and O'Reilly are Franken's most vitriolic attackers, but my thoughts are more pure. I'm sure it's all just a giant coincidence, there's no real feud and any differences are profoundly doctrinal, not personal.

The three-man circus of hilarity and hatred travels on. This is so not Chris. It's probably as unGregoiresque as you can get. Perhaps this is because of her training, or the battle bona fides she earned as state attorney general slaying Big Tobacco and other dragons.

I think it has more to do with personalities. Unlike the three clamoring, charismatic clowns I've described, Gregoire feels no need to remind herself that she's good enough, she's smart enough, and doggone it, people like her.

When you see Franken, it's hard not to guffaw. When you see Gregoire, it's hard not to salute.

Despite differences in disposition, Gregoire and Franken are remarkable in their similarities. Both are die-hard Democrats whose job is to steal elections, according to Republicans in both states who would never, ever try such diabolical post-election shenanigans if the shoe were on the foot. No, sir-ee.

Both of these Democrats had to wait until June after their November elections to be formally declared winners.

More similarities: There were 2.81 million total votes in Gregoire's 2004 race for governor, and 2.88 million total votes in Franken's 2008 race for senator. Both candidates eventually won by razor-thin margins, Gregoire by 133 votes and Franken by 312 votes. But both candidates had trailed when their election nights had ended, Gregoire by 261 votes to Republican Dino Rossi, and Franken by 725 votes to Republican incumbent Norm Coleman. Lo, that's when the demon Democrats began their election thievery. (Actually, because of the close results, recounts were automatically required by law in both cases.)

For Gregoire — who was sworn in but lacked the street cred of a "real" winner — the finish line was reached in Wenatchee a half-year later. Judge John E. Bridges waved the checkered flag on June 6, 2005. Franken, though, was not sworn in as scheduled, and Minnesota suffered a senatorial shortage that's lasted six months as of tomorrow. On June 30, 2009, the Minnesota State Supreme Court upheld Franken's close victory. Then Coleman conceded, Limbaugh and O'Reilly dry-heaved and a certified comic skipped off to join his uncertified brethren in Congress.

Democrats will insist that both elections could not have been more meticulously calculated, independent elections officials devoted innumerable hours to getting it right, and there comes a time to simply stop counting. Some Republicans will insist the system remains imperfect. The meaner ones will snarl "We wuz robbed!"

All three views are exaggerations. Truth is, Gregoire and Franken out-politicked Rossi and Coleman. That's why it's called politics, and not pillow fights. This is the big leagues, where they play hard ball. Dissatisfied constituents in Washington can call their governor. Mad Minnesotans, contact the comic. Good luck on that.