Leaving the roost

Sunday, August 13, 2006
By TRICIA Jones Columbian staff writer

    Tom Chandler wants to be prepared when he leaves his mother's place this fall to share a Vancouver apartment with a roommate.

    The 18-year-old Evergreen High School graduate has about $1,500 socked away and expects to continue delivering pizzas while attending classes at Clark College. An early budgeting session went well, until Chandler took a second look at the figures.

    He'd forgotten to set aside money for groceries.

    "You don't really think about that, the actual expenditures (for) food," Chandler said. "When you come to think about it, it's Bits 'n' Pieces: Wow."

    Chandler's "Wow" moment is being shared by thousands of teens and young adults poised to take up residence in the real world, away from the comforts of the parental perch. Some are headed for college. Others are taking that first full-time job. Still others have delayed their departures for various reasons and are finally striking out on their own.

    But all of them can use good advice on independent living. And that's what mother of two and first-time writer Chris Salditt seeks to furnish with "50 Ways to Leave Your Mother" (Mother Love Publishing, $12.95). The Mukilteo resident self-published her pithy, voice-of-experience manual in June, with an eye to helping other young people avoid her own children's mishaps.

    Salditt says whether they are planners or plungers, almost all nestlings underestimate how much it will cost to set up on their own. She adds that anyone who doesn't do a reality check before leaving will be eating a lot of popcorn and ramen noodles for dinner.

    "They don't think of the small stuff, like what happens when they get a cold and need a $5 bottle of Robitussin," Salditt said.

    Ashley Conway admits that as an official "poor college student," $5 is a lot of money in her world. Conway planned to bring some goat meat from her family's farm in Fern Prairie near Camas to the Pullman apartment she's leasing with three other young women. The 19-year-old Washington State University sophomore expects to cook most of her meals, shop at discount grocery stores and, if necessary, skip coffee on the weeks when money is especially tight.

    As diligent as she is, even Conway was taken aback when she found out she and her roommates had overlooked a $108 security deposit to be split four ways.

    "It was a 'Ha! I told you!' moment for my mom she had mentioned to keep it in mind," Conway said. "I had to rearrange my schedule to earn a few dollars as a paralegal for a couple of days."

    Having survived the takeoff of two daughters from the family home, Salditt knows that budgets are a big part of a successful exodus. But other factors also can be crucial.

    Unsavory landlords, flaky roommates and cooking catastrophes can make even the stalwart long to go running back to Mom and Dad. Perhaps Salditt's most sage advice is to keep a secret stash of toilet paper for those times when roommates don't follow through on restocking.

    It's no accident that "50 Ways" hands out suggestions with a light touch. Salditt said she's seen enough how-to books that make readers feel guilty if they don't have a 401(k) lined up by age 18.

    Learning from experience

    Salditt's book has been in the making for about five years. Her elder daughter's woeful moving experiences inspired the stay-at-home mom to start taking notes for an eventual publication. Salditt, 57, had also observed the adventures of her friends' children as well as those of her children's friends.

    One of Salditt's daughters was convinced that the reason cookie sheets kept disappearing was because her male roommates were burning cookies and throwing out the wreckage rather than scrubbing the cookware.

    Salditt concluded that baby boomers have worked so hard to make life cushy for their offspring, it's difficult for young people to cope with a lower standard of living.

    "When my car broke down, my parents said, 'Oh, too bad. What are you going to do now?' Now, it's, 'Oh, take my car.' One of my friends even rented a car for his daughter," Salditt said.

    In addition, Salditt said the pace of the two-income family often prevents anyone from teaching children any domestic survival skills.

    And some mothers find it easier to pick up after their sons and daughters than to ask for assistance.

    Chandler describes himself as "not that neat of a guy" and his mother as someone who cleans a lot.

    Given that his friends are none too tidy themselves, Chandler said he's been wondering if the pop cans and plates that he leaves out will still be there when he returns home in the evening.

    And if his roommates have been the slobs, Chandler isn't sure he wants to be the bad guy and ask them to clean it up.

    Salditt would probably gently but firmly urge Chandler to make that decision before the pop cans start piling up. An entire chapter of "50 Ways" is devoted to the care and handling of roommates who are mean, serene and in between.

    Salditt's book targets youth on the move, rather than parents. But she does have strong opinions about adults tempted to rescue struggling offspring.

    True emergencies may require help, of course, but Salditt advises against bailing out the 20-something who blew her savings on a Hawaiian vacation.

    "It's very hard not to show up with $100 worth of groceries, but you have to be strong. That's how they're going to learn," she said.

    Besides, some young adults are satisfied with a little less luxury.

    "I really like Top Ramen," Chandler said.

   Copies of "50 Ways to Leave Your Mother" are available at Vintage Books and Cover to Cover Books, both in Vancouver, or through www. fiftywaysbooks.com.

   Did you know?

   * The median age for marriage is 26.7 years for men and 25.1 for women, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.

   * Americans in the Midwest tend to marry earlier than those on the East or West coasts.

   Leaving the nest? Here are some tips for success

   As college student Ashley Conway prepared to leave her parents' Fern Prairie home for her first year of living off-campus, an aunt tried to make a thoughtful gesture. She offered her 19-year-old niece a bathroom set that included a rug and toilet covers.

    "They were very shaggy. Very Muppetlike," Conway said with a grimace in her voice. "I was like ummm I'm going to have a very small bathroom, and I just don't think I'll have room for that."

    Not all young people leaving home to set up on their own are as quick-thinking as Conway. Nor are they prepared to handle the many potential pitfalls of living on their own. That's where author Chris Salditt comes in. Here are some tips from "50 Ways to Leave Your Mother," a guidebook for young adults on the move.

    If you don't want (roommates) eating your favorite ice cream, mark the container "tofu" and chances are they will leave it alone.

    Be thorough. For example, car expenses include: car payment, insurance, gas, oil changes, parking and repairs. Is a bus pass starting to sound good yet?

    Don't forget to buy a shower curtain. And don't alienate your roommates by getting one that is see-through.

    Get everything in writing and receipts for all the money you lay out (for a rental unit) Remember, beer and latte money is at stake.

    If you're really too busy or too broke to do laundry, sneak a couple of pieces of clothing into your roommate's laundry basket.

    Agree on a plan for overnight guests. Is once in awhile OK? Or is it time to start charging Joe's girlfriend rent?

    All the stuff that was just there all those years -- scissors and tape, bandages and aspirin, can opener and batteries -- will not magically appear at your new place. This is where parents who buy in bulk can help out, or they might have a spare flashlight or hammer that you can have.

    Never, ever brag to your relatives about how well you're doing. Pity reaps great rewards.

    -- Tricia Jones