How does Santa Claus know where to bring presents for a child who could be at any one of four grandparents’ houses on Christmas Eve? That’s a question Michelle and Bob Halfhill worried their son would start to ask.
Typically, Christmas and Thanksgiving for the Halfhills have meant dividing their time among four sets of relatives. Last year, when their son was 4 and getting a firm grasp on the notion of Santa, they decided to put the brakes on Christmas travel.
“He’s at the point where he knows about Santa and he’s excited for Santa to come,” said Michelle, a 37-year-old marketing specialist for Southwest Washington Medical Center. “We were so excited to have a house with a chimney. We didn’t want Santa to have to find us wherever we were.”
Feeling pulled in divergent directions is something many families can relate to during the holidays, says Susan Newman, social psychologist and author of “Nobody’s Baby Now: Reinventing Your Adult Relationship with Your Mother and Father.”
“It doesn’t matter what the family configuration. The holidays induce stress because of the expectations and the demands,” she said.
Competing demands from different sets of relatives often leave couples struggling to please everyone and forgetting to take what they want into account.
And that’s a mistake, the New Jersey-based Newman says.
“Don’t drop yourself out of the equation. You can’t make everybody happy, and it’s not something to feel guilty about. Because you’re entitled to have a good holiday, too,” she said.
Setting boundaries can be tough, but it’s important, as the Halfhills found.
Both Michelle’s and Bob’s parents are divorced, and seeing all four parents on Thanksgiving and Christmas isn’t logistically possible. Michelle’s parents live in Vancouver, but Bob’s dad is in Olympia and his mom resides in Medford, Ore.
When the Halfhills started dating, they would alternate among their four parents on the holidays. That continued until last year.
“We were always the ones who were traveling, and we said we were going to put our foot down,” Michelle said.
Being home for the holidays allowed them to start traditions such as making tree- and reindeer-shaped pancakes on Christmas morning, and to actually enjoy the decorations they spent so much time putting up.
Because Michelle’s parents live nearby, the change wasn’t a big deal for them. Bob broke the news to his parents. His mom was disappointed but understanding, Michelle said, adding that they may resume their Christmas travel once their son is older. They continue to alternate among their families on Thanksgiving.
Being assertive and asking to modify long-standing family traditions to fit evolving lives is important, Newman said.
“You’re perfectly within your rights to say, ‘We’re staying home this year. We want to start our own traditions,’” Newman said, adding that it’s crucial to give family members as much advanced warning as possible and make them feel included. This could mean asking for Mom’s special stuffing recipe, getting tips from Dad on choosing the perfect Christmas tree or telling relatives they’re welcome to come to your home and join in the holiday celebration.
There are as many ways to divide up the holidays as there are family dynamics. Michelle’s aunt and her longtime boyfriend, for example, go their separate ways on holidays and each see their respective families. This seems to work well for them, Michelle said, and no one’s family gets short shrift.
Sometimes the decision of where to spend which holiday can be solved by considering what’s most important to each side of the family, Newman said.
For Kelly Gregersen and his wife, Sara, their families’ different traditions have made for a smooth division of celebrations. The couple live in Washougal, as do Sara’s parents. Kelly’s family resides in Eugene, Ore. Christmas Eve was always more important than Christmas Day to Sara’s family, so the Gregersens go there on Dec. 24. Christmas morning they enjoy as a couple with their 5-year-old son, Jacob, before driving to Eugene to see Kelly’s family on Christmas Day. Thanksgiving they alternate between the two families.
The Gregersens have been married almost 10 years, so they have their routine down. But, early on in their relationship, there was a bit of an adjustment period, said Kelly, a 41-year-old drama teacher at Washougal High School.
It’s not just him and his wife to take into account. His sister, for example, is married and also dealing with a division of holiday celebrations between her family and her in-laws. Open communication with both Kelly’s and Sara’s families helped the Gregersens find a system that worked for everyone.
“It was a little tough at first, but both families were very gracious about it and knew there would be give and take when we got married,” he said.
This year is promising to breathe new life into their Christmas routine because Kelly’s father, who was widowed several years ago, recently remarried. His wife has children and grandchildren with their own holiday schedules and traditions.
“We’ve got new siblings and grandchildren to work into the mix, but we all get along great, which helps,” Kelly said.
Everybody wins
It can be easy to turn decisions about how to spend the holidays into a competition over my way versus your way, my family versus your family, but that’s not the most productive way to approach the issue, says Al Ray, executive director and co-founder of MarriageTeam, a Vancouver-based nonprofit that offers faith-based couple-to-couple coaching using sports as an analogy for relationships.
The best way to tackle a conversation about the holidays, Ray said, is as a team.
“If one of them feels like it’s a win-lose, then the team loses,” said Ray, 62, a Camas resident. “The solution has to be one both can be excited about, a win-win.”
Before brainstorming options for the holidays, talk as a team about your goals for the holiday season. Then think about possible solutions that satisfy those criteria, Ray advises.
“If you agree on goals for the holidays, it makes it easier to come up with a solution that fits,” he said.
