Love? Absolutely.
Support? Absolutely.
Believe absolutely?
That’s an area where parents should exercise judgment, experts in family dynamics say.
“Healthy skepticism does not indicate a lack of love or support,” said Frederic Reamer, a Rhode Island social work professor. “Healthy skepticism may be a way to demonstrate love and support.
“It can be counterproductive to believe one’s child in every instance in an unwavering fashion,” Reamer said.
A brief discussion of parent-child relationships, delivered in front of a Vancouver home, got a nationwide audience recently after Bethany Storro admitted her story about an acid attack was a hoax.
As the community absorbed the newest development in the story, Joe and Nancy Neuwelt issued an apology and said they were as surprised as everybody else by their 28-year-old daughter’s admission.
“As any good parent would, we stood by our daughter when she told us these different scenarios. We stood by her. We believed her. Any good parent would do that, so that’s the course we took. Up until yesterday, we believed her fully — there was no reason to doubt her, at all,” Joe Neuwelt said, reading the family’s statement.
However, standing by your children doesn’t automatically mean believing everything they say, according to two authorities contacted by The Columbian. Both emphasized that they haven’t talked to any of the parties involved, and they wouldn’t offer opinions on the specifics of the Storro case.
‘Expert advice’
But Reamer, an author and professor at Rhode Island College, and Vancouver psychologist Kirk Johnson both offered some general thoughts on communication between parents and children — particularly during times of crisis.
“There’s an important distinction between a parent’s whole-hearted support and a parent’s instinctive inclination to believe a child,” Reamer said. “The reality is, children don’t always tell the truth.
“As a parent, I’m comfortable saying part of my job as a parent is supporting my child. It doesn’t mean I always believe my child, and at times, I may have to have some healthy skepticism about what my child reports. It’s important as a parent not to be naive, to be a very careful listener and judge of veracity.”
And whether their child is 8 or 18 or 28, Reamer said, parents should be attuned to the possibility that something doesn’t sound right: “Why might my child not be truthful in this situation?”
The child’s previous behavior can offer a guide, said Johnson, who is with the Vancouver Child Guidance Clinic.
“If there is a pattern of behavior that alerts you to the fact that the child is not being honest, working to manipulate others: If that pattern has gone on, many parents find they have to stop enabling,” Johnson said. “The child has to accept the consequences. That can be difficult. The first reaction always is to support the child.”
Calendar age doesn’t always reflect emotional maturity, Reamer said.
“The inclination to fabricate varies, depending not just on our chronological age but our emotional age,” Reamer said. “Even adults can fabricate for a whole range of reasons.”
Those reasons can include protecting a third party.
“I do a lot of work with domestic violence victims,” said Reamer, who is a member of the Rhode Island parole board. “A woman with bruises on her face fabricates a story because she doesn’t want to get her partner in trouble. ‘He only does this when he gets drunk.’ Sometimes, lies are the result of an attempt to protect one’s self” — particularly after a self-inflicted injury. The injured person is horrified by the result and makes up a story as a shield against humiliation.
So how does a parent, looking to establish the truth, start that sort of conversation with a child?
“You have to be very direct and very honest,” said Johnson, the Vancouver psychologist. “When a parent tries to be too cute, the message doesn’t get delivered clearly or in a way that’s understandable. You just have to be clear. You might describe where you want to get, your target.
“Here’s what I want to discuss, and here’s the situation we have. I want to get to a place where I can believe you and support you. How will we do that?”
Tom Vogt: 360-735-4558; tom.vogt@columbian.com.
