Here’s a month-by-month wish list for 2012. All of these items range from “fat chance” to “never going to happen” to “you must be on some medication for even thinking like this.”
But one can dream, right?
January: Instead of the traditional Clark County Wrestling Championships, we bring in The Octagon. For the final matches, let’s have MMA-style championships. Heck, I hear a lot of former high school wrestlers are mixed martial artists now, anyway. Let’s have a high school exhibition. One night only. We’ll sell you the whole seat, but you’ll only need the edge. Seriously, who wouldn’t want to see this? Well, besides moms everywhere?
February: Columbian football player of the year Parker Henry of Skyview opts against signing a letter of intent to play college football, uses a fake ID to show he is old enough for the NFL, then signs with the Minnesota Vikings. By September, all Vikings fans will forget that Adrian Peterson hurt his knee. They won’t need AP anyway. They’ll have PH.
March: Prairie girls win the Class 3A state basketball title without attempting a two-point field goal in any of the three games at the Tacoma Dome. Even on fast breaks, they stop at the arc and pop. Seriously, who wouldn’t want to see this? Well, besides coach Al Aldridge? (Somehow, I think he’d take the championship but would prefer at least a few inside shots.)
April: When rain washes away every baseball and softball game, sports fans contribute enough money to build a domed facility for all teams in the GSHLs to use when the forecast calls for doom. Either that, or the WIAA gives up in April and determines spring sports should just be condensed into four or five weeks, from the beginning of May through the first week of June. (Yeah, another pipe dream, but seriously, why not? The teams end up playing three or four games a week to make up for all the rainouts anyway. Why bother with scheduling anything in April?)
May: The statue of Doc Harris outside Doc Harris Stadium is no longer the only statue on the site. Doc Harris was awesome, but he did not coach teams to three state titles in boys soccer and one in girls soccer since 2005. So I’m looking forward to the Roland Minder Statue unveiling.
June: Bryan Levesque of gshlfootball.com talks himself out of 18 speeding tickets as he races to and from every spring drill in order to get us video of every team’s practice. Because, after all, it’s always football season at gshlfootball.com.
July: Everybody associated with high school sports takes a long nap, reads a book, goes on vacation, takes a breather. After all, it’s about to get busy again.
August: The reigning Super Bowl champion Oakland Raiders visit the region to give a clinic to high school football players. The Raiders are on their way for their annual preseason matchup with the Seahawks and, because they are such great guys, decide to say hi to Clark County. Seriously, who wouldn’t want to see this?
September: Reclassification, finalized early in the year, becomes reality. But there was a huge error that nobody noticed until just now. The biggest three leagues are broken down into animals, gods/weather, and people. Which means the Tigers, Timberwolves, Eagles, Falcons, Hawks, and Panthers are in one league, and the Papermakers, Plainsmen, Hilanders, Trappers, Chieftains, Monarchs, and Lumberjack are in another. That leaves one four-team league: The Titans, the Storm, the Thunder, and the Spudders. (Yeah, figured a Spudder is closer to a god than a man.)
October: Volleyball teams schedule their matches to start at 10 p.m. so they can get used to playing that late in case they make the state tournament. (Really, is there a facility in this state that can run a multi-court volleyball tournament on time? If there is one, raise your hand. The WIAA would love to talk to you.)
November: Camas girls repeat as cross country state champions. Not only that, but they are so good, they actually run home from Pasco. They don’t need no stinkin’ rides home. They’re cross country runners!
December: Two 4A GSHL teams clash in the state championship football game, one week after three teams from the league reached the Class 4A state semifinals.
You know, that last one really could happen.
And it would be really awesome if that August wish came true, too.
Paul Valencia covers high school sports for The Columbian. He can be reached at 360-735-4557 or e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.