Step right up, step right up, ladies and gentlemen, moms and dads, parents of would-be Olympians and NFL stars.
We know what you want and we know what you need — an answer to the question that has plagued parents since Phidippides invented the marathon: How can Junior win an athletic scholarship to college?
That’s what sports are all about, isn’t it? It’s not about teamwork or life lessons or the experience of trying and sometimes failing. No, it’s all about the end that justifies the means.
You know that, right?
So why wait years to see whether your young LeBron has the drive and the attitude and the moxie to be an elite athlete? Why not test his genes to see whether he has what it takes?
That’s what we can offer — for the low, low price of $169. Yes, the low, low price of $169. Yes, for half the cost of a week of sports camp, we will send out a home testing kit to determine whether your little Olympian has a variation of the gene ACTN3. Simply take a couple swabs from inside the child’s cheek, send it to the lab, and wait a few weeks for the results.
What is ACTN3, you ask? Good question, my would-be Earl Woods.
ACTN3 is a wonder of nature that has been shown to possibly maybe somewhat enhance the development of fast-twitch muscles. Will your little Mia Hamm be destined for “explosive” sports such as sprinting or soccer? Or will she be inclined to endurance sports such as distance running or swimming?
Gotta be the shoes? No, it’s gotta be the genes. Your child is predisposed to certain athletic activities, regardless of what their coaches might tell you.
So don’t waste years letting your child try different sports to see how he likes them. Enjoyment is overrated when there’s a college scholarship or a major-league contract at stake. If your future all-star has the genetic makeup to hit a baseball, then, by gosh, get a bat in his hand.
Our little test will help you do that. And it will keep you from spending money on those football camps.
Don’t believe it? Well, you should see the stories that have appeared in the New York Times and on MSNBC.com and even in Friday’s edition of The Columbian.
So what if 80 percent of all humans have the ACTN3 gene that has been linked to explosive force? If young Usain is one of them, then you better get him on the track right away. Why, our test — did we mention it’s only $169? — has been used on children as young as 12 months old. Plus hundreds of others. Yes, hundreds of others.
I know, I know, you’re saying, “What about the many other genes that play a role in athletic performance?” Good question my wannabe Mike Agassi. Well, let me tell you this: If your budding Serena has ACTN3, she won’t need any other genes.
And, goodness knows, you wouldn’t want your child to try a sport at which they might not be a star, would you? What’s the point of learning how to deal with failure or attempting something at which you aren’t immediately successful? Little Magic doesn’t need that. He needs to begin his journey to the NBA.
So, if you’re the type of parent who wants to know whether your 2-year-old will be a star, then step right up and hand over the low, low amount of $169.
Or, you could save the money for their therapy down the road. They’re going to need it.
Greg Jayne is Sports editor of The Columbian. He can be reached at 360-735-4531, or by e-mail at greg.jayne@columbian.com. To read his blog, go to columbian.com/weblogs/GregJayne
