Is there any way to join forces to make this country better?
I mean, our Tea Party friends want to squeeze government so it doesn’t spend so much dang money on stuff we simply can’t afford.
And our “Occupy” friends want to squeeze all the fat cats who are making millions of bucks. They don’t feel they’re paying their fair share. There’s a rally this afternoon — an Occupy Vancouver thing — down at Esther Short Park.
There must be some common ground, right? Something to unite us rather than pit us against each other, right? Then it hit me!
Squeezing. That’s it … squeezing! Both sides appreciate a need for squeeze.
So just when you thought we might need to settle this thing with a no-holds-barred cage fighting match, today — beautiful today — could bring bliss. Sort of a kumbaya connection.
No longer will we have a bunch of conservative Tea Party folks breathing fire and liberal Occupiers breathing flowers. Frankly, neither of these approaches will result in anything, other then a few burned bougainvilleas.
No, my friends, my newfound good friends, what we need is squeezing.
Heck, I’d love to see a sign down at the park today saying, “Let’s Squeeze Together.”
And — you guessed it — this new, powerful group would be called (dramatic pause required here): “The Squeezers.”
Now don’t just be dissing the idea before it even has a chance to develop. There’s an opportunity to make lemonade out of lemons here!
And guess what? Guess what you have to do before you can even think about making lemonade? That’s right.
Squeeze them babies!
This is borderline ingenious, right?
I mean, how could anyone not like this idea?
Look, most everyone agrees some very rich folks in this country could probably give a little more. We have so many loopholes in our tax laws it would make a colino maker proud. I mean a guy like The Donald, just how many toupees does he really need? What, that’s his real hair? Nevermind.
But let’s be clear, this country was built on the idea that if you have great ideas and work hard, you can buy as many wigs as you want. That’s the American way!
On the other hand, you’ve got our government officials. They never saw a dollar they didn’t want to spend … even when they didn’t have the dollar to spend! They figured out right away that they weren’t playing with their money. They were playing with our money. And it is soooooooo much easier to spend when you’re reaching into someone else’s pocket for the cash.
Hey, when the Occupiers are down at the park, take a look at the new City Hall across the street. You just bought it! It’s yours! Occupy that! (Just kidding, Mayor.)
So let’s everyone get together. Not only is there strength in numbers, there is also strength in diverse views coming together.
So start making those “squeeze” signs. Let’s get this party started.
And if I don’t see this baby blossom in Vancouver, I’m tellin’ ya, I’m gonna start an Occupy Salmon Creek. Sorry, I mean a Squeeze Salmon Creek.
I’m gonna invite my sheriff neighbor over to the front yard. We’ll prop up a couple of lawn chairs, we’ll make up a few squeeze signs and we’re gonna drink lemonade until the sun sets.
Lou Brancaccio is The Columbian’s editor. Reach him at 360-735-4505 or email@example.com.