How to help your kids be safe, and feel safe, after shooting at school

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Friday’s killings in Connecticut left parents struggling to figure out what to tell their children.

President Barack Obama said he and his wife, Michelle, would tell their daughters that they love them and hug them a little tighter. Experts say that’s a good example to follow. Parents also should allow children to talk about their feelings in the coming days, while still sheltering them from the 24/7 media coverage of the event, they say.

Even the youngest schoolchildren are likely to hear about it, said Glenn Saxe, chairman of the Department of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at NYU Langone Medical Center.

“It’s really important, especially at this time, for parents to check in with their kids, to be attuned to how they’re feeling, how they’re doing, and to answer questions honestly and straightforwardly,” he said. “For any other kid in school, this has meaning. Parents need to understand that even in surprising ways, this can affect their kids.”

Above all, parents need to try to help their children feel safe, said Dr. Louis Kraus, chief of child and adolescent psychiatry at Rush University Medical Center in Chicago. Helping kids return to or maintain normal routines can help minimize their anxiety, Kraus said.

Some children may ask the same questions over and over as a way to seek reassurance, and parents shouldn’t dismiss them, said Dr. David Fassler, a child and adolescent psychiatrist in Burlington, Vt.

“Acknowledge and validate the child’s thoughts, feelings, and reactions. Let them know that you think their questions and concerns are important and appropriate,” he said.

Children who show persistent signs of anxiety and stress, including recurring nightmares or sleep problems and fears about leaving home, should see their pediatrician or a mental health expert, Kraus said.

While parents might feel the need to teach their children what do in such an emergency, the next few days is not the time to develop or bring up your family’s disaster preparedness or to teach your young children to dial 911, Saxe said.

“Right now, kids’ sense of safety and security is shattered,” Saxe said. “It’s very good parenting practice, in general, to have a kid know what to do in times of emergency, but it undermines the immediate message that you’re trying to convey.”