Who knew that in 2012, there would be so much that pointed to the end of the world? Lindsay Lohan’s horrendous Elizabeth Taylor biopic “Liz & Dick” that aired on Lifetime. The Mariah Carey-Nicki Minaj ego collision during “American Idol” auditions. And Brad Pitt making a Chanel ad?
If they saw it all in their crystal ball, it’s understandable that the Mayans would predict doomsday in 2012. Here is just a smattering of things that made us want to cover Blue Ivy’s young eyes:
• At least she finally had a reason to look miserable: The good news is Kristen Stewart finally declared her love for Robert Pattinson. The bad news: She only did it after she was caught cheating with her married “Snow White” director, Rupert Sanders. In Stewart’s uncomfortable “I love him, I love him” mea culpa to Pattinson, she apologized for the hurt and embarrassment she caused. Movie fans are still waiting to hear the same for the entire “Twilight” saga.
• Breakout performance of the year: Just when we were getting used to Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise’s marriage, she engineers a daring escape, the kind usually depicted in a Lifetime movie marathon.
• Suddenly the Kardashians look like the royal family: We didn’t think we’d find anyone who drank more Red Bull than Demi Moore, until we happened upon the sensation of the year — “Honey Boo Boo.” Seven-year-old aspiring beauty queen Alana Thompson and her family made us “redneck-ognize” the Mayans were wrong; the end of the world came way before 12-21-12.
• Suddenly, the royal family is looking like the Kardashians: If the royal jewels are so valuable, why was Prince Harry showing them off in Las Vegas? Harry gave a new meaning to “Las Vegas strip” when near-nude party pictures were revealed. Kate Middleton turned out to be the more naked royal when a photog snapped private pictures of her and William on vacation. Now we know why the queen jumped out of that helicopter.
• Reunited, and it feels so … creepy: In a perfect world, “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” would have been a duet featuring Chris Brown and Rihanna. Instead, the former abuser and victim spent 2012 making a sexually suggestive duet together, followed by sexually suggestive tweets followed by sexually suggestive photos — all while Brown bounced back and forth with his girlfriend. Wait — are we sure they’re not just re-enacting the Stevie J.-Joseline-Mimi triangle from “Love & Hip-Hop: Atlanta”?
• Couple of the year: With the debut of Kimye — Kim Kardashian and Kanye West — we finally had a couple who based their union on a shared value system. Unfortunately, that includes homemade sex tapes, narcissism, TMI and leather skirt-wearing.
• So Michael wasn’t the crazy one? Three years after Michael Jackson died, the Jacksons proved they are as dysfunctional as ever: Jackson’s children, Prince and Paris, accused Aunt Janet and other Jackson siblings of kidnapping their grandmother and caretaker, Katherine, after she went away without telling them. Turns out she was just trying to escape from Blanket’s icy glare.
• Mother of the year: Nadya “Octomom” Suleman took to working the pole and self-love porn to raise money to support her brood of 14 — as if her kids needed more to share with their future therapist.
• And now, in the role of Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Bynes: As if one unstable former child star wasn’t enough, Bynes tried to double the fun this year with her Lohan-esque antics — including arrests, erratic behavior and car crashes. At least Lindsay is a role model to someone.
• Funny thing is, both Bynes and Lohan could see Obama: Clint Eastwood took center stage at the Republican National Convention and had a conversation with an “invisible” President Barack Obama, who apparently remained seated in his chair as Eastwood flung insults at him. But he got Eastwood back later by making “Trouble With the Curve” invisible at the box office.
• So that’s why they call her a knockout: There was a new victim of Halle Berry’s constant man drama — Gabriel Aubry’s face. Berry’s fiancé, Olivier Martinez, delivered a Pacquiao punch to Aubry’s chiseled visage when Aubry came by to drop of his daughter with Berry, Nahla. To add insult to injury, Aubry was charged in the brawl, but at least he escaped serious punishment — having to watch “Cloud Atlas.”
