'Twilight' series recap, by the numbers
Friday, November 16, 2012
No doubt you've seen the posters, with the photo of Edward (Robert Pattinson), Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Jacob (Taylor Lautner) running toward the camera as if they're participating in some sort of very intense vampire/ werewolf track meet. Yes, "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2" is upon us. It opened in theaters Thursday and brings, in theory, an end to the eternal saga of a girl and two monsters. In honor of the final chapter, a few of us took it upon ourselves to re-watch the first four movies, to present a few interesting "Twilight" statistics:
13: Total number of times (in four movies) that Jacob appears shirtless -- at least three times in the rain. (As people in Forks do.)
0: Number of times Jacob is shirtless in the first movie, "Twilight."
All the time: Number of times Taylor Lautner somehow gives the impression, during long pauses, that Jacob is thinking about taking his shirt off for lack of a better response to the situation.
A few immortal ‘Twilight’ lines
“Am I the wrong kind of monster for you?” (Jacob to Bella, “New Moon”)
“My cousin? Had leprosy? Not funny.” (Anna Kendrick’s Jessica — one of the series’ great pleasures — in “New Moon”)
“I’ve waited a century to marry you.” (Edward to Bella, “Breaking Dawn - Part 1”)
“(Edward) looks at you like … you’re something to eat.” (Mike to Bella, “Twilight”)
“Let’s face it, I’m hotter than you.” (Jacob to Edward, “Eclipse”)
11: Number of times Bella does something klutzy.
7: Number of times Bella does something klutzy in the first movie, "Twilight."
?: Inverse proportion of Jacob's shirtlessness vs. Bella's klutziness as the movies progress: What, am I a mathematician?
18: Number of times Edward is supposedly looking lustfully at Bella, but actually looks kind of nauseated.
14: Number of times Edward and Jacob meet and sneer at each other, or are otherwise disdainful, as if smelling something bad (which, according to the books, they are).
3: Number of times Bella bleeds, accidentally incurring the sudden dramatic bloodlust of her vampire friends.
1: Number of times this happens while giving birth to an alarmingly toothy sort-of-vampire baby.
None, though they should have: Number of characters who burst out laughing at first mention of the name "Renesmee."
Uncountable: Number of times you wonder, watching these movies, why vampires all have such fabulous hair.