Everybody Has a Story: B.G. man unable to ‘unfriend’ Facebook

If insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result, I must have slipped over the ledge when it comes to Facebook. I continue to log on, even though I know I’ll inevitably wish I hadn’t.

Case in point: During my last visit, my friend Lisa posted a message asking for advice. She has two roosters who fight incessantly, and she’s not sure how to handle this critical problem.

Let’s see, another monster storm is bearing down on the Northeast, North Korea (home of the unicorn lair) is threatening to test more nukes, gas prices are soaring and Chris Christie is dangerously overweight — but Lisa’s at wit’s end over bickering roosters. Another friend, who is obviously overflowing with common sense, replied, “How about getting rid of one of the roosters?” Problem solved, right?

Uh, no. Lisa responded, “Get rid of one of my babies? I could never do that. LOL.” For the love of Zuckerberg, I can’t believe I’m actually reading a post about quibbling roosters when I could be doing something much more productive, like watching shadows on a fence.

It’s not just the poultry posts. I have friends who post photographs of every restaurant meal they consume. My longtime friend Ray from Arizona actually posted a photo of a Costco hot dog last week. Admittedly, the presentation was delightful in that the dog was nestled in its foil wrapper with a near perfect squiggle of mustard coiled across the top. In Ray’s defense, he’s retired and doesn’t play bingo or golf or meet the other older guys at McDonald’s each morning, or construct birdhouses or cuckoo clocks in his garage, so his hands are weighed down by a great deal of time. In addition, while working as an electrician for 30 years, Ray endured so many accidental jolts that he can’t snap his fingers without creating a spark. Perhaps it’s the cumulative effect of all those amps and volts that somehow creates the desire to photograph hot dogs.

LOL till you cry

Speaking of dogs, I can’t get through a day without my friend Kim posting yet another gauzy cellphone photo of her two dogs, Snickers and Skittles, preciously sleeping on the sofa. And then, of course, there are the LOL people. If they’re truly laughing out loud each time they write LOL, they should probably be evaluated for Tourette’s syndrome. It could be worse, however — others even claim to have laughed off the entire rearmost portion of their body. What a predicament; how in the world do they sit at the computer to browse Facebook?

Two friends, Jack and Lynn, who don’t know one another but should, engage in the practice of changing their profile pictures at least once a week. I’m not sure where they’re finding these photographs, as none of them look anything like either Jack or Lynn. As a matter of fact, Jack’s picture looks more like Lynn than like Jack.

Oh, and no, thanks, I don’t want to play Goodgame Big Farm, exchange IMs, try to figure out how many squares I see, or participate in a survey inquiring, “What’s your favorite color shirt and why?” I have a total of four shirts and they’re all the same color, so leave me alone.

These are just a few of my Facebook beefs. The list goes on, but right now the sun is setting, the shadows are long and the fence waits.

Everybody has a Story welcomes nonfiction contributions, 1,000 words maximum, and relevant photographs. Email is the best way to send materials so we don’t have to retype your words or borrow original photos. Send to: neighbors@columbian.com or P.O. Box 180, Vancouver WA 98666. Call Scott Hewitt, 360-735-4525, with questions.