The great Gary Payton once schooled an interviewer on the lessons of trash talk. Besides constructing a Hall of Fame career, Payton also dominated in the game of gab. So in 1999, when Dan Patrick posed the question which NBA player had “no business talking trash,” Payton responded with a name only recognizable if you had basketball-reference.com open on your browser.
“Jamie Feick,” Payton said. “He said something to me. I said, ‘Man, you won’t even be in the league next year.’ “
Teach on, Professor Payton. Just too bad Boston Celtics guard Jordan Crawford, as well as Feicks like him all the world over, never heard his message.
But, for the sake of smack, please listen up: Some guys should just be seen, not heard.
Legendary loud-mouthed players conceive the wittiest punch lines and even if the bark should come with its own bleep, the best trash talk is an art form. When done right, their disses should be admired.
In 1988, Larry Bird came out of a timeout in the final seconds remaining in a tied game between the Celtics and Seattle SuperSonics and told his defender exactly where he was going to take the last shot. Moments later, Bird went to the very spot and swished the game-winner.
Former Portland Trail Blazer Rasheed Wallace was so good at trash talking that any greatest hits highlight reel of his career should feature 98.3 percent of him simply running his mouth.
And Charles Barkley unmercifully welcomed then-rookie Antawn Jamison into the league by reportedly warning the kid, “I’m not gong to take it easy on you because your mama is sitting there in the front row. I’m going to get in your butt.”
Notice a theme here? These blowhards also possessed big games. So, when they shot off at the mouth, they also made jumpers to back it up. In other words, they deserved to talk.
Not like Royce White, the Houston Rockets draft pick who hadn’t dressed for a single NBA game this year but mocked Kevin Durant on Twitter after the Rockets beat the Oklahoma City Thunder on Wednesday night. Ridiculous, right? That’s like a D-Leaguer taunting an MVP candidate — wait … hold on, that’s exactly what happened.
Also, Crawford — the reserve guard so important to the preservation of the Boston bench, keeping the seats nice and warm for the starters, that he did not log a single second during the Wednesday night Eastern Conference playoff game — was caught flapping his gums at All-Star Carmelo Anthony.
Back when Crawford was still a volume shooter on a bad Washington Wizards team, Boston’s Kevin Garnett reportedly talked trash about Anthony’s wife, LaLa. If what Garnett said was true, it was silly, tasteless and made Honey Nut Cheerios more relevant than it ever should be. Then on Wednesday night, after the Celtics’ Game 5 victory over the New York Knicks, Crawford appeared to resurrect the petty personal jab.
Any amateur lip reader can make out that Crawford uttered something that would automatically eliminate him from a schoolyard game of dozens. Clever, it wasn’t. More like crass and tacky, and fighting words that would infuriate any husband. But by Thursday afternoon, Crawford went to Twitter to try and extinguish the exchange.
“I would never talk trash about that mans (sic) Wife. I don’t (know) him……..All I did was respond!!”
The explanation was as weak as Crawford’s shooting percentage. Even worse, he violated Trash Talk Rule No. 39: If you’re big and bad enough to do it, then stand by your words.
These days, Payton has rebranded himself as an ambassador for bringing back Seattle NBA basketball and teaching point guards how to play defense. But wouldn’t it be great if Payton also held a master class in the art of trash talking?
White should sign up. Crawford should sit at the front of the class. And their first lesson — shut up already.
Candace Buckner covers the Trail Blazers for The Columbian. She can be reached at 360-735-4528 or email at candace.buckner@columbian.com. Her Twitter handle is @blazerbanter.
