AKRON, Ohio — “It will make you stronger.”
“You’re going to lose your hair?”
“My friend had cancer 10 years ago, and they did this treatment and she was a hot mess.”
It seems even people with the best intentions sometimes say the worst things possible when a friend or family member faces a cancer diagnosis.
Or sometimes they simply disappear, unsure what to say or do.
With arrival of October comes plenty of pink on everything everywhere as part of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
So what better time to raise awareness about what’s helpful — and what’s not — when a friend, family member or acquaintance has cancer?
For many patients, just having someone present in their lives can be the biggest sign of support, said Heidi Eve-Cahoon, a registered nurse and breast care navigator for Summa Health System in Akron.
“Continue the relationships,” she said. “Too many people back away when somebody has cancer, and it’s either because they’re uncomfortable with it, they don’t know what to say, or they’ve had a bad experience with cancer in their lives.
“It’s important. That person needs their friendships and their family relationships.”
Akron General Hospital breast care coordinator Kathy Lukity agreed.
“Be present,” she said. “When you get this diagnosis, there are times you feel like crying. It’s nice to have a friend who has the courage to sit there with you when you feel like crying. A lot of people don’t.”
Carol Thoman, 73, has relied on the help and comforting words of her neighbors in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio, since being diagnosed with breast cancer in February.
They brought her meals, offered rides and mowed her grass as she went through treatments. When they went to the store, neighbors stopped by her home and asked if she needed anything.
Another neighbor who had faced her own breast cancer battle sat with her for hours, sharing thoughts and feelings only a fellow patient could understand.
“Just knowing they were there, whether I used them or didn’t use them, was very comforting,” Thoman said.
Lukity said it’s often more helpful to patients if friends or relatives offer to help with specific chores, rather than saying, “Let me know if I can do anything for you.”
“You need somebody to say, ‘I’m going to the store. What can I pick up for you?’ or ‘Let me pick up the kids and take them to the park today,’ ” she said. “People might not have the nerve to say, ‘Can you go to the store for me?’ “
Friends and family members also can help patients by encouraging them to stay active, said Dr. Melanie Lynch, a surgical oncologist at Summa. About 30 minutes of exercise each day can help combat fatigue, a common side effect from cancer treatments.
Offer to go for a walk or take a trip to a mall or museum, she suggested.
“Even if it’s just getting outside, that will help as well,” she said.
Summa’s Eve-Cahoon offered these other “do’s and don’ts” for friends and family members of cancer patients:
Do:
• Allow patients to be angry or quiet. “Accept her emotions,” she said.
• Offer support. Give the person your phone number and offer to do things such as go to the grocery store, drive to appointments, baby-sit or take children to their activities to make life more manageable.
• Say things to let the person know you care. It can be as simple as, “If you need to talk, I’m here for you” or “I’m sorry you’re going through this. It must be very scary.”
• Be willing to accompany the patient to doctor’s appointments. “Be a second set of ears if the person asks you to come along,” Eve-Cahoon said. “Take notes.”
• Help organize paperwork. Cancer patients must contend with piles of insurance forms, receipts, test results and appointment reminders.
• Bring meals. But call first to see what the patient is interested in eating.
• Be a point person. “When somebody is ill … everybody calls,” she said. “If you have one person who is the point person, then they can field all those calls.”
• Help the spouse. Do things to make sure the significant other has time alone and understands the emotions are normal.
Don’t:
• Give advice. “It’s like being pregnant — everybody has a story,” Eve-Cahoon said. “They’re usually horror stories. They don’t need to hear those things.”
• Offer platitudes, such as “It will make you stronger” or “It’s God’s will.”
• Tell others about the diagnosis unless the patient says it’s OK to share information. “I know one lady who came to me and she was so upset because she didn’t want to tell anybody about her breast cancer until she was ready, and her family member told a neighbor and it got all around,” Eve-Cahoon said.
