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Monday, March 18, 2024
March 18, 2024

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Rethinking marriage

The Columbian
Published:

As more Americans say ‘I don’t’ to getting married, it’s time to reinvent the institution

Fewer Americans are married than ever before, and a growing percentage are happy to stay unhitched.

Pew Research Center’s recent analysis of 2012 census data reveals some interesting statistics about the state of marriage in the U.S. A few highlights:

o One in five adults age 25 and older had never been married in 2012, compared to one in 10 adults in 1960.

Pew Research Center's recent analysis of 2012 census data reveals some interesting statistics about the state of marriage in the U.S. A few highlights:

o One in five adults age 25 and older had never been married in 2012, compared to one in 10 adults in 1960.

o Twenty-three percent of men age 25 and older have never been married, compared to 17 percent of women.

o The median age at first marriage is now 27 for women and 29 for men, up from 20 for women and 23 for men in 1960.

o Fifty-three percent of adults who have never been married say they would like to get married in the future. Thirty-two percent say they are not sure if they would like to get married, and 13 percent say they do not want to get married.

o Men and women have similar views on marriage, with 55 percent of never-married men and 50 percent of never-married women saying they would like to get married someday.

o Twenty-three percent of men age 25 and older have never been married, compared to 17 percent of women.

o The median age at first marriage is now 27 for women and 29 for men, up from 20 for women and 23 for men in 1960.

o Fifty-three percent of adults who have never been married say they would like to get married in the future. Thirty-two percent say they are not sure if they would like to get married, and 13 percent say they do not want to get married.

o Men and women have similar views on marriage, with 55 percent of never-married men and 50 percent of never-married women saying they would like to get married someday.

A Pew Research Center analysis of 2012 census data found that one in five adults age 25 and older — roughly 42 million people — have never been married, meaning the United States is made up of a historically high number of single people. (In 1960, by comparison, just one in 10 adults 25 and older had never been hitched.)

And just 53 percent of those never-married adults said they would like to eventually marry, down from 61 percent in 2010.

Marriage, it seems, is at a crossroads.

“I think we’ve reached a tipping point where people are asking whether marriage works for them,” says Susan Pease Gadoua, licensed therapist and co-author of “The New ‘I Do’: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels” (Seal Press).

Analysts cite such factors as the rising median age for first marriages, an increased acceptance of cohabitation, and difficult economic times for the increase in singles. But our views on marriage — an institution celebrated and sanctified in every realm from the spiritual to the retail — are changing too.

When analyzing the census figures, Pew researchers asked people how valuable marriage is for society at large. A full 50 percent of respondents said society is “just as well off if people have other priorities.”

Forty-six percent said society is “better off if marriage and children are a priority,” but that group was made up largely of adults 50 and older. Sixty-six percent of adults age 18 to 29 (and 53 percent of those age 30 to 49) said society is just fine prioritizing other pursuits.

Toss in the perennial divorce statistics — 41 percent of first marriages and 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce, according to recent census figures — and marriage looks downright embattled.

A pessimist could read the data as proof that the whole enterprise is losing its relevance.

An optimist, though, could read it as an opening for a bold reinvention. After all, if marriage isn’t responsible for improving society, the institution is freed up to accomplish a more individual, deeply felt goal: namely, improving the lives of the people who enter it.

As marriage becomes increasingly optional — no longer necessary for child-bearing, economic survival or social acceptance — individuals who decide to tie the knot can approach their union as a relationship designed to, above all else, foster a happier, healthier life. And they can tailor and nurture theirs accordingly.

“If people can create a more personalized marriage that works for them, if they can bend some rules and make marriage more flexible, it will continue to be an appealing prospect,” Gadoua says. “If people continue to approach marriage the way we’ve traditionally married, I think we’re setting ourselves up for failure.”

“The New ‘I Do’,” which Gadoua co-authored with journalist Vicki Larson, encourages couples to individualize their marriage contracts to fit their specific needs.

“Couples are tweaking the institution to fit their needs even if it looks pretty much like a traditional marriage from the outside,” they write. “Serial monogamy, blended families, open marriages, covenant marriages, commuter marriages — these variation-on-the-theme arrangements are already happening.”

Blueprints for models

The authors offer blueprints for each model, including ways for already-married couples to transition into one or more of them.

Covenant marriages, for example, put extra legal hurdles in place to prevent either party from filing for divorce. Commuter marriages allow for spouses to live in separate cities, often for career-related reasons. Open marriages make room for “extramarital romps,” write the authors, and can succeed if “passion, freedom and self-expression are more important to you than physical exclusivity.”

You don’t have to be a strict traditionalist to reject some of the more unconventional models. But the point, Gadoua emphasizes, is that couples can approach and exist within their relationships strategically, rather than joining or avoiding the married ranks based on the marriages they grew up observing.

“Marriage is a living being that needs to be negotiated and renegotiated all the time,” Gadoua says. “People need a structure in place — a road map. We’re giving people the language to do that and, hopefully, normalizing what we’re already seeing happening so we can get away from this shame-based model of one size fits all.”

Marriage researcher Eli Finkel, a professor of psychology at Northwestern University, says the latest marriage data is, in itself, proof that we are already approaching our unions more strategically.

“People are holding marriage in such high regard that they refuse to do it unless it’s going to be really good,” Finkel says.

“Marriage has always been a social construct that has changed through the course of human history, and it continues to evolve,” he continues. “The best marriages today are better than the best marriages in any other generation, and that’s because, for the first time ever, we’re looking to marriage to do a very different set of things.”

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Financial stability, parenting, socializing and day-to-day existence can certainly be helped along by a stable marriage. But because all are possible outside of marriage, Finkel says, we’ve begun to view marriage as a “voyage of self-discovery.”

“It’s about taking the time and exerting the effort to understand and discover what your partner is trying to achieve in life — and what you’re trying to achieve in life — to help each other find the best versions of yourselves,” he says. “These things are a lot more difficult to achieve than what we’ve traditionally asked of marriage, but they’re exponentially more fulfilling.”

Which seems to bolster the case for a bold reinvention.

“We have to stop basing marriage on what our parents’ marriages looked like or what the rom-coms make it look like,” says Larson. “The message we so often get is, ‘Work harder, work harder, work harder.’ But some couples are trying something really different, and I think that’s brave. Why not reinvent marriage?”

Reinventing schedules

Finkel says couples would do well to start by reinventing their schedules.

“Time together is not by itself sufficient, but it’s a very good place to start,” he says. “People with children are parenting much more intensely than ever, and people who don’t have kids are working more hours than ever, so we spend less and less time alone with our spouses.”

Those are difficult conditions to mount a revolution on.

“It’s hard for your partner to understand the core essence of your nature and help you achieve personal growth if you’re not sharing meaningful conversations and experiences,” Finkel says.

“I think it’s time for a real awakening,” Gadoua says. “I think we’re seeing people be more conscious about their decision to marry and I think we need to set them up for success.”

Even if that success looks slightly different for each couple.

“We’re not saying go out and give your husband or wife a hall pass,” Larson says. “But we are saying talk about what you’re good at as a couple and what will make you happy together. And then find ways to make that happen.”

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