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Jayne: Vancouver, how I love thee; let me enumerate the ways

By Greg Jayne, Columbian Opinion Page Editor

Published: October 25, 2015, 6:01am

Washington or Oregon?

I know, I know, it’s an easy call. Only one of those states, after all, has self-serve gasoline. (Hint: It’s us!) And only one of them has a world-class city. (Us, again!) Yet that did not prevent the largest papers in each state from compiling competing lists last week espousing the reasons their locale is better.

The need for such a list is unclear. Surely, the combined weight of Starbucks, Amazon, Microsoft and Costco is enough to assert Washington’s power against the might of Nike. Undoubtedly, the majesty of Mount Rainier dwarfs that of puny Mount Hood. Clearly, a status as the apple capital of the world is preferable to being known for hazelnuts. Washington’s superiority is such that even the presence of the nation’s largest nuclear waste repository cannot taint it.

Sure, we will give bonus points to The Oregonian for creativity. They noted that “We have a whole mountain,” taking aim at our poor, peak-less Mount St. Helens. And they point out that Portland has Sleater-Kinney (the band, not the road) and, to be honest, Washington has no retort to compete with America’s greatest rock band.

But the advantages of living in Washington become clear faster than one can say, “Go Seahawks!,” which is less of a mouthful than, “We don’t have state income tax!” or “We’ve never had a governor resign in disgrace!”

So, rather than rehash one-sided arguments about which state is superior, we shall examine a different question: Vancouver or Portland? OK, OK, Portland is a cosmopolitan city that is the hub of a metropolitan area, and Vancouver, um, is not. But there are advantages to living on this side of the river. You know, things such as:

• Traffic. If you are driving in Portland right now, odds are that you are reading this on a smartphone because, goodness knows, the traffic isn’t moving. Portland has spent some $4 billion on light rail over the past three decades while allowing traffic to come to a standstill — a city paralyzed by cognitive dissonance.

• No light rail. As mentioned, Portland is addicted to laying down railroad tracks so you can get in a car and drive to a MAX station and hop on a train that eventually stops six blocks from where you need to go.

• A daily newspaper. Hey, some of us still think this is beneficial to a community.

• Esther Short Park. Sure, Portland has parks, but the city’s “living room,” Pioneer Courthouse Square, is a collection of bricks. It’s a cool collection of bricks, a vibrant gathering spot in the heart of the city, but at least our “living room” has grass.

• A soon-to-be-developed waterfront along the Columbia River. Portland, on the other hand, has a major interstate highway along the east side of the Willamette River. What could be a majestic waterfront instead is a ribbon of pavement with thousands of cars moving 12 mph.

• No arts tax. In their effort to keep Portland weird, residents in 2012 approved a $35 income tax to support school teachers and art-focused nonprofit organizations. Nothing wrong with the arts, but Portland might do well to keep its eye on its priorities. Like, I don’t know, traffic.

• A cool nickname: “The Couv.” Portland, meanwhile, is known as “Stumptown,” which refers to the fact that trees used to stand where the city now does. Of course, Vancouver also is referred to as “Vantucky” and Portland as “The Rose City,” but we won’t mention those nicknames.

• Fort Vancouver National Historic Site. Portland thinks it has a fair amount of history, but Fort Vancouver dates back to when Portland was nothing but trees.

Oh, Portland has some advantages, as well. Powell’s Books is unmatched, and the city does have some professional sports teams. But the beauty of living in Vancouver is the opportunity to take advantage of Portland’s amenities without having to pay an arts tax.

We can live income-tax free and pump our own gas, crossing the river only when the reason is so compelling that it cannot be denied. You know, like a Sleater-Kinney concert.

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