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Not all that glittered was good on TV in 2016

By Verne Gay, Newsday
Published: December 30, 2016, 6:00am
2 Photos
In &quot;Mariah&#039;s World&quot; on E!, the promise of an inside look at Mariah Carey never came to pass. (Roger Do Minh/NBC E Entertainment/TNS) (Macall B.
In "Mariah's World" on E!, the promise of an inside look at Mariah Carey never came to pass. (Roger Do Minh/NBC E Entertainment/TNS) (Macall B. Polay/HBO) Photo Gallery

Welcome to our annual anti-Emmys telecast — the awards show that celebrates the least, the last and the lost. There’s no hype here, no celebration here. These are 2016’s anti-winners, shows that were vivid reminders that not all that glitters is necessarily gold.

Congratulations to all. This wasn’t easy, but you made it look easy.

These shows didn’t go far. These shows were unloved by critics. But these shows were interesting for the most part. Interesting failures are always better than boring failures, so … you are all winners!

(A program note: These are only the shows I actually watched this year. Don’t take it personally. There’s only so much time in the misbegotten day.)

15. “Vinyl,” HBO

Promise: Jagger! Scorsese! Cannavale! HBO! The ’70s rock scene! New York!!!

Reality: Replace those “!” with “?” and we can begin this discussion. “Vinyl” was an idea in search of a story — or a story worth caring about.

14. “Brain Dead,” CBS

Promise: Star showrunners, Robert and Michelle King (“The Good Wife”) and a premise that offered genuine relief from our ongoing national nightmare (ants that eat the brains of Washington politician).

Reality: Problem here of matching material with creators. The Kings are (well) the Kings — not Ed Wood.

13. “The Passion,” Fox

Promise: Remake of a hit Dutch TV event, with Tyler Perry at the controls.

Reality: With a mixture of the sacred and profane, of the hokey and the holy, the “live” network spectacle takes a rare detour — to flubsville.

12. “Game of Silence,” NBC

Promise: Intriguing remake of a Turkish show about some kids who go into juvie after a prank gone wrong, and well … we’re getting long-winded at this point.

Reality: This turned out to be mostly a remake of “Sleepers.” Also a snore.

11. “Harley and the Davidsons,” Discovery

Promise: A deep history of a beloved bike.

Reality: Not terrible, and strictly for fans, but six hours? With actors? And dramatizations? And motorcycles? And exhaust fumes?

10. “Dice,” Showtime

Promise: One of the biggest standups of the late 1980s .

Reality: To cite Newsday’s assessment, “Hickory dickory dock, this review won’t come as a shock. The show is bad, the star a bit sad, his shtick as old as a rock.”

9. “Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll,” FX

Promise: Great cast, Denis Leary, and a second season that maybe (just maybe) would improve on the first.

Reality: No improvement but regression. Wrong direction.

8. “Bordertown,” Fox

Promise: Voiced by Hank Azaria, and potentially a smart satire on the border debate.

Reality: Pedantry instead of satire. And oh so dull.

7. “Maya and Marty,” NBC

Promise: Maya (Rudolph) and Martin (Short).

Reality: Oh, come on, not so bad! Oh yes, so bad. But fun-bad, and weird-bad. You almost suspect that was the goal. How else to explain bits like “Everybody Poops?”

6. “Mariah’s World,” E!

Promise: Mariah Carey.

Reality: Instead of a candid Mariah, viewers got a candid picture of her manager (Stella Bulochnikov).

5. “Roadies,” Showtime

Promise: Attention should be paid whenever an Oscar-winning, “Almost Famous”-directing, Pearl Jam-hanging, cult movie-writing star decides to lend his considerable talents to TV. That would be Cameron Crowe.

Reality: In hindsight, perhaps not too much attention. Some of the same problems as “Vinyl” — only more so.

4. “Feed the Beast,” AMC

Promise: Heck of a cast, including David Schwimmer, John Doman, Jim Sturgess and Michael Gladis.

Reality: This series about a wholesale wine salesman in the Bronx also included a character — a ruthless mobster — who was known as the Tooth Fairy. Before he extracted his “vig,” he extracted teeth. Enough said.

3. “Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders”

Promise: The return to a major prime-time series of Alana de la Garza who hadn’t been on a major one since “Law & Order.”

Reality: Sure, nice to have de la Garza back, but the series? It took a familiar formula, stoked the familiar paranoia, and stomped all over the familiar franchise.

2. “Crisis in Six Scenes,” Amazon

Promise: Woody Allen

Reality: Woody Allen, circa 1970 — at times doddering and gaseous, with ersatz material that sounded a little bit too ersatz. Nevertheless, fascinating for what it was — Allen’s first TV series.

1. “Who Killed JonBenet,” Lifetime

Promise: After 20 years, a moment of dignity, or reflection, or of something not too creepy or exploitative.

Reality: Ghastly, ghoulish, grisly. Even with good actors — like Michael Gill (who played John Ramsey) or Eion Bailey (Det. Steve Thomas), nothing could save this from receiving our top anti-Emmy of the night.

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