VANCOUVER CITY, May 1867 — This ambitious but divided nation has endured such disastrous conflict that we may well consider ourselves blessed to remain the United States of America. We still mourn the loss of our sainted president, and tremble at the tantrums of an obscene executive who behaves more like a European tyrant of old, and indeed appears bent upon returning our fragile union to a time of inequality and voluble resentment — if not outright mortal combat.
This publication takes no pleasure in recommending impeachment. We pray for a peaceful future.
Thus are we gladdened to note the rise of a recreation that promotes gentlemanly behavior and friendly rivalry of the sort that we must practice if we are to survive. The Oregon City Enterprise observed that “Utmost harmony and good feeling prevailed throughout, which is very commendable to the gentlemen comprising both clubs,” in summing up one brief chapter in the life of our new National Game, known throughout the land as “base ball.”
We believe base ball heralds a new, modern way of life. We firmly reject gun, bayonet and cannon and endorse the instead the war weapons of civilized men: horsehide balls and wooden ball-bats.
Therefore we anticipate with pleasure Saturday’s meeting of the Occidental Base Ball Club of Vancouver City and the Sherman Base Ball Club of Vancouver Barracks — the former consisting of ordinary citizens while the latter is composed of “garrison boys” from our post.
The match shall commence at 6 p.m. Saturday on the parade grounds near Officers Row, an idyllic setting on a summer evening, and all men — and their wives and girl-friends too — are invited to admire the spectacle. Mayor Tim Leavitt shall hurl the opening onion, and the Vancouver Community Concert Band shall float brass glories upon the breeze between innings.
Do watch for novel aspects of the match, including: no gloves; no sliding or stealing; gentle, underhand hurls and no “strikeouts”; and, the striker is considered dead if a scout or base-tender catches the apple on a single bound (deemed acceptable if not exactly “manly”).
We are confident that ballists and throng alike will enjoy much moral improvement.
Keep it moral
We hear reports of eager ballists rapidly forming dozens of clubs throughout our region, in sober and gentlemanly fashion — making adopting rules, electing officers, appointing committees and paying dues (25 cents per man per month). Balls, ball-bats and uniforms are selling almost as quickly as that newfangled, four-wheeled foot trolley, the “roller skate.” The Highland Base Ball Club of Oregon City has adopted traditional Scottish costume and will show their ginger in kilts and berets!
Matches are arranged via formal, written challenges delivered by one team secretary to the other. East shall meet West when the far-flung Oriental Base Ball Club of the Fourth Plain confronts our seasoned Vancouver Occidentals on the ground. But, if proper protocol isn’t observed, then no contest shall occur.
To keep our favorite new pastime from becoming disorderly and decentralized — to maintain this mode of brotherly unity across our troubled land — we gladly note that one enterprising Portland bookseller is hawking copies of “The Pacific Base Ball Guide for 1867.”
And woe betide the ballist who prefers playing ground to church pew! The Oregon City Enterprise reported empty churches but “a gay game of base ball on the bluff” on a recent Sunday; the Highlanders quickly resurrected their reputation by unanimously voting that “the playing of base ball on Sunday is not only very immoral, but disturbs the peace and quiet of the neighborhood where it is practiced.” Any ballist caught enjoying himself with ball and ball-bat on Sunday “will be erased from the membership.”
Rightly so!
Alas, argument springs eternal — hence the accusations and denials, in correspondence and the press, of a crooked umpire in one match. Yet even that irritation was extinguished as the Vancouver Occidentals suggested that the man who had sealed their defeat was only distracted, and declared “That the conduct of our Portland friends at the recent game merits our admiration, and we assure them that we cherish the kindliest feeling of friendship for them and indulge in the hope that the most friendly relations may always exist between the two clubs.”
Huzzah!
Did You Know?
• While this article is pretending to be history, there really was a “base ball match” in Vancouver on May 11, 1867, pitting Occidentals against Shermans (aka “Garrison Boys”). The final score was a lopsided 45-5, Garrisons, which the press declared “a pretty bad flaxing.”
• Saturday’s match “will not be an exact repeat” of that one, said park ranger Robert Gutierrez, “but we can assure the crowd that it will be a lot of fun, and will adhere to the code of conduct of 1867. This event is a great way to enjoy the national park on a summer evening and learn about history at the same time.”
