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Monday, March 18, 2024
March 18, 2024

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7 dating rules for roomie search

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The search for a perfect living situation is similar to the search for a mate. Emotions and delusions run high when people are looking for companionship, sex, affirmation or someone to split the cable bill.

Then factor in the internet, with its toxic mix of seemingly endless options plus relative anonymity. Whether they’re looking for a roommate on Craigslist or a hookup on Grindr, people are just as likely to misrepresent their appearance, accomplishments, and alcohol and drug use.

For all the messaging you might do online, there’s no substitute for actually meeting people and getting a feel for what’s out there. Finding the right match involves a combination of perseverance, sweat and luck. Here are seven dating rules that might make your housing search a little easier.

1. Determine your deal-breakers.

Figure out what you absolutely must have and cannot tolerate. This will help you decide whether it’s worth schlepping out to West Hell to meet in person and see the apartment. (And do you want to schlep out to West Hell once you move in?) My two biggies were: “Is anyone smoking anything in the apartment?” and “Do you have a cat?” Which is how I found out that there are a lot of very high people out there with multiple kitties.

2. Think about what kind of relationship you’re looking for.

Most roommates fall on one side of three basic divides. Hosts vs. guests. Befrienders vs. leave-me-alones. Autocrats vs. democrats. So ask yourself: Do you want to live in a place that’s party central or do you prefer socializing outside your home? Are you looking for a communal experience or friendly but separate cohabitation? Are you OK living with the rules and decor put in place by the current roommates, or do you want a situation where there’s room for your preferences and your couch?

3. Pictures can be deceiving.

Beware the housing ad that includes a photo taken from the far end of the apartment to make everything look bigger. “Cozy” is often code for “tiny room that probably has no windows.”

4. Learn to spot euphemisms.

Keep an eye out for detail-free postings that describe your future roommates merely as “chill” and the three pony-size dogs in the pictures as “adorable.” Ads that read: “Need a roommate immediately because our last one just moved out last night without warning” are the housing equivalent of personals that say, “Learning to trust again” and “No drama!”

5. Once you’re meeting in person, ask the questions that are important to you.

What makes for a great roommate or an ideal living situation is subjective and varied. Think about it: Three different women have married Donald Trump and four have wed Rush Limbaugh. Similarly, there are people who enjoy living with members of Goth metal bands, and there are people who like rising at dawn and chanting for an hour. Know who you are and ask direct questions about the things that matter to you. My list includes asking potential roommates how they’d dealt with mice and cockroaches. (I live in New York City, after all.) I want someone who will join me in all-out warfare; not a softie who prefers to try catch-and-release. What kind of hours do they keep? What was the last rent raise like? How hot (or not) does the apartment get in the cold weather months? What is the history of burglaries in the building?

6. Whatever you do, don’t let desperation cloud your judgment.

Don’t allow your fear that you’ll wind up homeless prevent you from sticking to your must-haves. If you know you’re a light sleeper, don’t move into a situation where there’s only a Japanese screen between you and the next bedroom. If you like burgers, don’t try to talk your way into a vegetarian household. (I tried this with one household with a rooftop geodesic dome where they did yoga and grew kale, but they had the good sense to turn me down.)

7. The quality of a relationship is more important than the labels attached.

Don’t assume that any two people have the same definition of terms like “quiet” or “moderate” or “responsible.” One roommate who had assured me during our interview that she was a moderate drinker was found passed out drunk on the kitchen floor at 6 a.m. on a Sunday with a pancake burning on the stove and the room filling with smoke. The guy who nodded avidly when I explained that it was important to me to limit guests in our small two-bedroom apartment waited until we were two weeks into my lease to announce that his girlfriend was coming to visit from Brazil — for five weeks. “Now you’ll get to meet her!” he chirped happily.

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