Fortunately, not all yesteryear advice involved watching for wolves or disemboweling livestock. Dancing seems to be a big area of concern for our cavorting forebears. In 1538 male dancers were advised that “You must always be garbed to perfection and your codpiece must be well tied. We sometimes see codpieces slip to the ground during the basse dance so you must tie them well.” Curse those falling codpieces! And woe to the man who dared to grimace while doing a jig. Also from 1538: “When you are dancing, always maintain an agreeable face and please, brother, wear a pleasant expression. Some men, when they are dancing, always look as if they are weeping and as if they want to [poop] hard turds.” “Poop” is not the word Antonius Arena, the 16th century advice-giver, uses, but you get the picture. In other words, don’t look constipated while dancing!
Now, if there’s dancing, you must be at a party, which means at some point you’ll need to leave the party. But what’s the proper party-leaving etiquette? 13th century poet Daniel of Beccles advises, “When you are about to leave, have your horse at the door; don’t mount your horse in the hall, unless the host tells you to.” Good to know before you park your horse in the entryway.
And back to dancing (I told you there was a lot of dancing advice). For heaven’s sake, all you dancing men out there, Antonius Arena beseeches you not to belch “for if you belch then you will be a real pig.” And, do not, I repeat, do not “have a dripping hose and do not dribble at the mouth. No woman desires a man with rabies.” Obviously, our forefathers had a lot to learn before hitting the dance floor, but so long as no belching, weeping, dribbling, or codpiece-falling occurred, they were free to cut a rug. Just don’t forget about that dang horse.
If you need a respite from politics, long lines at the airport, and slow commutes, consider checking out today’s book. With over 250 pages of historical advice — some practical, some weird, some downright disturbing — and Elizabeth Archibald’s witty accompanying commentary, it’s a fun way to visit the past while remaining firmly planted in the 21st century.
Jan Johnston is the collection development coordinator for the Fort Vancouver Regional Library District. Email her at readingforfun@fvrl.org.