I write the best columns. Nobody writes better columns than I do. They’re huge; they’re beautiful; everybody loves my columns. Believe me.
You already knew that, OK? I wrote the same thing a couple months ago, and you love my columns, right? That column had the highest readership of all-time; it set all kinds of records because it was the best column people have ever read. That’s not just me; a lot of people are saying it.
But much has happened since then, and we need to get the message out to make columns great again. You people … you people are the ones who can help me make columns great again, and it’s going to be difficult because the system is rigged. It’s rigged and corrupt, OK? (Sniff)
Some people don’t believe me when I write this. I’d like to punch ’em in the face; in the old days they would be carried out on stretchers. Even “Saturday Night Live” makes fun of me. Very, very unfunny. Unfunny show. That show is rigged and corrupt. And I should have won an Emmy.
The government says the Emmys were hacked by Russia. But we don’t know. It might have been a judge of Mexican heritage or a Gold Star family or a secret Muslim from Kenya. Vladimir Putin says it wasn’t Russia, and I’m going to believe him, OK?
How can we believe in America when our inner cities are hell holes? We should build a wall around them and make Detroit pay for it. Those cities are full of bad hombres because other cities don’t send their best people.
Respect for women
Except for their women. Nobody has more respect for women than I do. Nobody. Unless the women have blood coming out of their wherever. Well, and as long as they’re at least a 7 and aren’t a fat pig and have dinner ready when I get home. And women can’t help but flirt with me, either consciously or unconsciously.
I have so much respect for women that I just kiss them whenever I want to and I grab them by the p@#$y. Yes, I grab them by the p@#$y with my tiny little hands. I said I grab them by the p@#$y, because you can do that when you write great columns.
Some people don’t like it when I say that. But Billy Bush does. Yes, the Billy Bush. He should win an Emmy.
I got asked about grabbing women by the p@#$y once by a moderator who was biased against me, and I responded in the direct, mature, responsible manner that only a columnist can. I said: “Hillary’s emails and build a wall and wargarble and rapists and radical Muslim terrorists.” Because columnists are experts with words, and I use only the most beautiful, classiest words and have only the best answers. (Sniff)
Like when some nasty woman called me a puppet. I said, “No puppet. You’re the puppet.” Hah! I really did; you can look it up. That was clever, right? Most people would say, “I know you are but what am I?” But that would be childish, so childish. I turned it around and said, “You’re the puppet” because I have the highest IQ. My brain is huge.
You see, if I was a puppet, I would pay taxes. But I don’t pay taxes because the system is rigged and corrupt, and that shows that I am smart. Taxes are paid by people who get captured and aren’t heroes. I like people who don’t get captured, OK? (Sniff)
We need people who don’t get captured to make columns great again. We need to round up and deport anybody who doesn’t like columns, all 11 million of them. We need real Americans to read columns, and my columns are the best, right?
If somebody tells me they don’t like my columns, I don’t accept that result. I don’t think it’s legitimate because they are biased. I cover my ears and go, “Nah-nah-nah, I can’t hear you.” It’s like the Seahawks-Patriots Super Bowl; I don’t accept that result, so it never happened. And Tom Brady is soft and a loser. Very low energy.
And we need energy. Lots of energy. Because on Nov. 28 we’re going to make columns great again.
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