Jayne: I’m so smooth, and my columns are hugely beautiful

By Greg Jayne, Columbian Opinion Editor

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I write the best columns. Nobody writes better columns than I do. They’re huge; they’re beautiful; everybody loves my columns. Believe me.

You already knew that, OK? I have written the same thing before, and you love my columns, right? My columns have the highest readership of all-time. Period. And we have to talk about that; if we don’t talk about it we’re doing a terrible disservice.

You see, my columns are like a fine-tuned machine; they are edited by a wonderful group of people who are being very much misrespresented. It’s terrible; catastrophic; so dishonest. There’s a lot of distortion and fake news out there, so we have to talk about it.

One time, I wrote a column that was combative and rambling and nonsensical. It sounded like I was a thin-skinned vulgarian with an infantile vocabulary. It sounded like I could barely string together two coherent sentences. But Rush Limbaugh said it was one of the most effective columns he had ever read. So I have that going for me.

I don’t think there has ever been a columnist who has been so smooth. My columns are like a fine-tuned machine. Did I mention that? I am the most popular columnist by a huge margin; the biggest margin since the Reagan era, unless you count the first Bush, Clinton, and Obama.

One time, some so-called readers didn’t like me and they made a decision to not read my columns. They sent me a message I didn’t like. Bad! They were in chaos, wrong a lot of the time, record numbers. Like 80 percent; I find that hard to believe, but that’s what I heard. It’s just a number, but that’s what I heard.

Other readers have been taking advantage of me for decades — decades, and decades, and decades, folks. And I’m not going to let that happen anymore. Not going to let it happen.

I want to make columns great again.

FAKE NEWS!

I inherited a mess when I became a columnist. A mess. But this last month has represented an unprecedented degree of action on behalf of the great readers of our paper. Again, I say it. There has never been a columnist that’s done so much in such a short period of time. And I have not even started the big work yet. When I really get to work, I work bigly, and it’s going to be huge and beautiful.

Some people say my columns are under the control of the Russians. That’s fake news, fabricated; and people buy into it. They should be ashamed of themselves. The failing people who don’t like columns, that’s fake news and it was very much discredited — it’s a joke. Those people have a lower approval rating than Congress. Is that true? That’s what I heard. Disgraceful.

I have a poll from Rasmussen, just released, that says columns are at record levels. Fake people who don’t like columns are an enemy of the American people!

Somebody leaked information that my columns are influenced by Russia. We’re looking at that very — very, very serious. FAKE NEWS!

The tone, there’s so much hatred. But the people love my columns. I am undertaking extreme vetting to keep bad hombres from reading my columns and make sure that only the good people who love columns are allowed. I had a plan for that, but some so-called readers made a bad decision.

That’s the way some readers are, but the public doesn’t trust them. The good readers, the good readers understand that I write the best columns and that everybody would love my columns if it weren’t for fake news.

That’s because I have alternative facts. People hate fake news, but they love alternative facts.

You might find it disturbing for somebody to write like this. If your boss or your co-worker or your spouse or your child wrote in such a fashion, you would think they were a little unhinged. But I’m just a columnist you read in the newspaper or on the Internet. It’s not like I’m President of the United States or anything.

I’m just here to make columns great again.