Milbank: The tale of Donald and his big, bad, sad dog, Rex

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Dana Milbank is a columnist for The Washington Post Writers Group. Email: danamilbank@washpost.com.

See Rex.

Rex is a big dog. Rex is the top dog. Rex has a good job. Rex can fly! Rex has a jet. Fly, Rex, fly. Rex flies to other lands. Rex sits. Rex shakes. Rex speaks. When Rex speaks, Rex thinks he speaks for the USA.

See Donald. Donald owns Rex. Rex is Donald’s dog. Donald is loud. Donald is big. Donald is bigger than Rex. Donald is mean to Rex. When Rex speaks, Donald tweets. Donald tweets like a bird. Tweet, Donald, tweet. Donald’s tweets hurt Rex. Donald says: Bad, Rex! Do not speak, Rex. Rex, you do not speak for the USA. Only Donald speaks for the USA.

Rex rolls over. Roll, Rex, roll. Good boy. Rex tells Donald he will not be a bad dog again. Rex tries. Rex tries hard. Rex tries very hard. But then Rex forgets. Rex thinks he speaks for the USA. again. Donald gets mad again. Donald tweets again. Rex rolls over again.

Rex is so sad. Rex wants to cry. Rex was a big boss once. He dug for oil. Dig, Rex, dig. Rex made a lot of bones. But Donald said: Do not dig, Rex. Come be my dog.

Rex began to think. I will not dig for oil, Rex said. I will not make so many bones. I will be Donald’s dog.

Now Rex is sorry. Sad, sad, Rex.

Rex flies to China. Rex speaks. Rex says the USA will talk to Rocket Man. “Would you like to talk?” Rex asks. “We can talk to them. We do talk to them.” Talk, Rex, talk.

Oh no! Donald is mad at Rex. Donald tweets. Donald says Rex is “wasting his time.” Donald says he will not talk “with Little Rocket Man.” Donald tweets, “Save your energy, Rex.” Rex has been bad! Rex does not speak for the USA. Rex whimpers. Rex is in the doghouse.

Rex’s doghouse has a name. His doghouse is called “State.” It is a nice house. Donald thinks Rex’s house is too big. Donald wants to make it 28 percent smaller. Chop, Donald, chop. Rex is sad. But Donald is his owner. Rex says: Donald is right. I do not need such a big house.

Rex has a plan. Rex will hire his friends to work with him. I will pick them, Rex says. I will give them top jobs. It will be fun. Rex has many friends. Rex’s friends work hard. They dig for oil, too.

But Donald says: Bad Rex! You may not hire friends. Only friends of Donald can work in your house, Rex. Rex is so mad. Rex growls. Rex barks. Rex wants to bite Donald. But Rex cannot bite his owner. Rex rolls over again. Rex wants to play dead.

Rex has a friend named Qatar. Qatar has ships. Qatar wants to sail the ships. But Qatar’s neighbors will not let Qatar sail. They make a blockade. Rex calls a meeting. Rex is mad. Rex says: Stop the blockade. Rex says: I speak for the USA.

Uh-oh. Rex has been bad again. Do not listen to Rex, Donald says. Rex’s friend Qatar is bad. Qatar should not sail ships, Donald says. Rex licks his wounds.

Rolling over

Rex flies his plane to Europe. Rex is up high in the sky. Rex is having fun. Rex forgets that he does not speak for the USA. Rex says Donald talked about sanctions with Putin.

Bad Rex! Donald is mad at his dog. Donald is very, very mad. Donald says he did not talk about sanctions with Putin. Donald neuters Rex. What a shame, Rex.

Rex flies his jet to Mexico. Rex says: I speak for the USA. We want to be your friends.

Rex has done it again. Silly, Rex. You do not speak for the USA, Donald says. Mexicans are “bad dudes.” Donald says we do not want to be friends. Rex puts his tail between his legs.

Donald likes other dogs better than Rex. Donald lets them work with him in the White House. They are small dogs. They laugh at Rex. Rex says people in the USA should “sleep well.” Rex says they should not worry about Rocket Man. The other dogs yip. They yap. They say: Rex does not speak for the USA. Roll over, Rex, they say. Rex rolls over.

What did you say, Donald? Donald will send Rex to a farm? Donald will put Rex to sleep?

See Rex run. Run, Rex, run!