Dear Mr. Bezos: Jeff (If I may),
I write to you not only as an employee of the Amazon Washington Post but also as one of your most faithful customers. I currently spend 110 percent of my salary on Amazon and all of my retirement savings. In the past week alone Amazon boxes have arrived on my doorstep containing everything from a New York Mets baby bib to a large inflatable spider, from Pokemon cards to prosthetic body parts (for Halloween, I promise). I am now browsing for kombucha by the case and an electric pole saw.
I mention my loyalty so you trust me when I say: HQ2 must be in Washington, D.C. This is not to take away from the offer by Stonecrest, Ga., to rename part of its city “Amazon,” nor the sandwiches Pittsburgh offered nor the cactus sent by Tucson. But that’s not as generous as what we can offer you for HQ2: Amazon can have Washington — all of it.
I’m not talking about the 75 percent under the jurisdiction of the District of Columbia, known for its world-leading production of parking tickets. On offer is the 25 percent of Washington controlled by the federal government — 9,683 acres, to be exact. Under the Trump administration, federal Washington has ceased to function. It would be much more productive if it were turned over to Amazon.
Your proposal suggests that “an urban or downtown campus” might be desirable. As the new owner of the Mall, you would find your headquarters conveniently located in a place that hosted the largest audience ever to witness an inauguration, period, both in person and around the globe.