I write the best columns. Nobody writes better columns than I do. They’re huge; they’re beautiful; everybody loves my columns. Believe me.
You already knew that; I have written about it before. Over and over again. Many times, so many beautiful, beautiful times. As if repeating something often enough makes it true. But I need to write it again for you, the American readers, because I must remind you of how much beautiful winning we are doing for you.
Like in a recent TV interview, I said, “I would give myself an A+” for the job I am doing. Really, you can look it up. Nobody has accomplished as much as a columnist as I have. I said, “You know, people say: ‘You’re still looking good, Mr. Columnist. How do you do it?’ ” No, they didn’t ask me about that in the interview; I just needed to share. It had nothing to do with my infantile need for validation; it’s just that I’m still looking good while earning an A+. Even the enemies and haters admit that.
Except for this one hater who made fun of me and my friends at a big dinner. It was filthy. If she had said that when you’re a star you can do anything to women, “grab them by the p*&&y,” that would have just been locker room talk, not filthy. If she said a woman had “blood coming out of her wherever,” that would not have been filthy. If she referred to immigrants from “sh!*hole countries,” that would not have been filthy. If she said she just started kissing people, “I don’t even wait,” not filthy.
Because when you’re a columnist you have all the best words. And you know filthy. And you know that bragging about walking unannounced into a dressing room with beauty contestants as young as 15 is not filthy. Not filthy. Not filthy. You’re the filthy.
And so I talk about how great I am doing and how invincible I am. I even wrote a report for my doctor to release to the public, detailing how I can cut through walls with my laser vision and leap tall buildings. Because that’s what a very stable genius does.
I gave a speech recently in which the audience was chanting, “Nobel, Nobel, Nobel …” And they’re right. I deserve a Nobel prize for column writing. What? There is no such thing? Then maybe a Nobel prize for Literature or Physics or Physiology.
Bob Dylan won a Nobel prize, and he wrote, “Once upon a time you dressed so fine, threw the bums a dime in your prime, didn’t you?” It’s about a person who is dismissive of others and meets his comeuppance, but I don’t think it has any modern relevance. Dylan also wrote, “Yes, I wish that for just one time, you could stand inside my shoes; you’d know what a drag it is to see you.” That’s fake news. It sounds like he’s weak and a loser, and we need to change libel laws so weak losers can be thrown in jail. Like I said, “We have the worst laws anywhere in the world.” Seriously, I said that. You can look it up.
So, when I gave this speech, I said, “We are doing things that are good.” And “long-term, you are going to be so happy.” And I mentioned that no columnist “has done what we have done” and “we are at the top of the charts, and they are talking about it all over the world.” Because when you are a columnist you do things that are good, and people talk about it. All over the world. Even in Outer Mongolia.
And there is nothing more important than self-validation. And it is important for a columnist to give thoughtful, thinking thoughts about the thoughts that your audience is thinking. And I do that bigly. It’s super, super classy.
Fit for the job?
Now, all of this might sound like I am deranged and insecure. Like I have no ability for introspection. Like I am a dotard. Fake news!
But we need to make columns great again, and when we make columns great again, you will be tired of all the winning. So much winning. And then I’ll go play golf.
Making columns great again will depend upon you, the American reader. Because you need to think about whether or not your columnist is fit for the job, and whether he deserves an A+ or an A++. And then you need to be thankful that he’s just a columnist and not something important.
Morning Briefing Newsletter
Get a rundown of the latest local and regional news every Mon-Fri morning.
