Jim Camden: Click now! Give now! It’s America’s summer pastime
The Columbian
Published: July 20, 2016, 6:00am
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Every political columnist chained to his computer terminal dreads these dog days of summer.
We spend time talking to local and state candidates, working our way down to the ones from obscure parties no one but the candidates themselves have ever heard of. Or watching initiative sponsors lug cartons of signed petitions into the state elections office while their earnest supporters cheer. Or cleaning out the email clogging the inbox to the point the program sends warnings that we’ve used up our megabytes and IT sends nastygrams that we could bring down the whole system.
Which wouldn’t be so bad, considering the email I’m getting. One might expect the volume to die down, with the presidential race down from 17 Republicans and five Democrats to one of each.
Not so. Every candidate and political movement seem to have signed on with consultants who believe campaign money can be pulled from the masses by a revolving series of email pitches. For candidate Joe Blow, they set up an account called “SUPPORT JOE BLOW,” with a mailing list of people who have anything remotely to do with politics.
So whether Joe Blow is running for president, or the U.S. Senate in Wyoming or state assemblyman in Ohio, my email address finds its way onto his list, compiled by a consultant who apparently gets paid based on the number of people who receive his missives, and uses the same template for all his candidates.
In the morning, I might get an email warning me JOE BLOW TRAILING IN POLLS! (Campaign staffs love capital letters.) Joe has fallen behind opponent Hearn Sneed in the latest poll, but if I would just contribute by clicking a button, conveniently arranged in different amounts, Joe has a chance to catch up.
Around noon, I’ll get an email announcing JOE BLOW IN DEAD HEAT! Mysteriously but thankfully, Joe has gained ground on Sneed in a new poll, but needs my help to keep up the momentum by clicking a handy contribution button.
Around mid-afternoon, a new email will arrive with JOE BLOW SWAMPING SNEED! Miraculously, Joe has gained multiple percentage points and is on his way to vanquish Sneed. To rejoice with Joe in his good showing, I should click the handy button for the appropriate amount.
This is a fundraiser’s way of hedging bets, because some people give to underdogs, some to tight races and some to winners. In fundraising, as in politics, a candidate must be all things to all people.
The birth rate of suckers
Political organizations practice a version of this. Rather than all things to all people, it might be described the “worst possible outcome for our people.”
So Tea Party organizations send warnings that President Obama is plotting to take away everyone’s guns and ammunition, or has secretly changed the constitution to steal a third term so he can enact Sharia Law, or will send all patriots to concentration camps. Give like your country depends on it — because it does.
Environmental groups warn of unbreathable air and undrinkable water if control of Congress doesn’t change. Business groups warn of massive layoffs from regulations that have them trying to swim the Straits of Juan de Fuca with an anvil chained to each ankle if control does change. Conservative organizations raise money by calling liberals communists and liberal organizations by calling conservatives fascists.
It’s tempting to think everyone is just testing P.T. Barnum’s dictum about the birth rate of suckers. But it’s more complicated than that.
An experienced politician once explained it like this: No one ever raised a dime by sending out a note saying things are pretty good right now, but if you give us some money when you have a minute, we can make it a little bit better.
They always say things are going to hell any minute, but if you donate right now, we can save the world. Be generous and click the button.
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