Why are romantic comedies so impractical and cheesy? I’m all for the grand gesture. But romance can be expressed just as genuinely without hiring a skywriter or orchestrating a flash mob. (I’m looking at you, Justin Timberlake.)
I took a few classic rom-com moments and made them more relatable and applicable to present day. You’re welcome.
• “Love Actually”
When talking to Harry about the upcoming company Christmas party, Mia (played by Heike Makatsch) hints: “I’ll just be hanging around the mistletoe, hoping to be kissed.” Ah the desperation! How about something a little more relevant to our lives? Such as: “I’ll just be hanging around this Pokestop, hoping to be kissed.” No kiss? At least you might catch a Charizard.
• “Jerry Maguire”
In response to Jerry (Tom Cruise) spilling his heart out, Dorothy (Ren?e Zellweger) says: “Shut up, just shut up. You had me at ‘hello.’ ” The real way to someone’s heart in 2016: “Shut up, just shut up. You had me at: ‘I have Hamilton tickets.’ ”
• “Serendipity”
Do you believe in fate? That’s precisely the premise of “Serendipity.” Boy meets girl. Wrong time, wrong place. So they leave it to destiny. When Sara (Kate Beckinsale) leaves a underwhelming clue for her potential suitor, she urges: “You don’t have to understand. You just have to have faith … faith in destiny.” Really? Who has the time? Here’s something a little more relatable: “You don’t have to understand. You just have to have faith … faith in cargo shorts never making a comeback.”
• “Love Story”
As couples sometimes do, Oliver Barrett IV (Ryan O’Neal) gets into an argument with his wife, Jenny (Ali MacGraw). When he rushes to apologize, she proclaims: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” You can analyze and debate that line all you’d like. Either way, a better line might be: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry for enjoying Justin Bieber’s new music.” It’s true. It’s catchy, and I’m not sorry.
• “A Knight’s Tale”
William aka Heath Ledger professes his love for Jocelyn by saying: “If I could ask God one thing, it would be to stop the moon. Stop the moon and make this night and your beauty last forever.” The moon?! Today’s lovers have much more pressing problems at hand. “If I could ask God one thing, it would be to stop Donald Trump. Stop The Donald and make democracy — and your beauty — last forever.”
• “As Good As It Gets”
Melvin (Jack Nicholson) is at the dinner table talking to Carol, a waitress with whom he wants to start a relationship. Melvin confesses: “You make me want to be a better man.” That’s great and all, but there’s something I value even more: “You make me want to be a better texter.” Seriously, we could all improve.
• “Forrest Gump”
Forrest (Tom Hanks) proposes to Jenny (Robin Wright) as she walks up the stairs to go to bed. “I’m not a smart man … but I know what love is.” Jenny rejects him, but Forrest is right. Love can be felt and seen by anyone — which is why Forrest in 2016 might say: “I’m not a smart man … but I know that Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston aren’t really dating.”
Ah, the times they are a changin’.
