Much of what has been sloshing around in your daily information trough recently involves recaps of 2017.
What’s lacking, I believe, is a sensible, level-headed look at the things that didn’t happen in 2017 but should have.
1. Jetpacks: Yes, I know that technically there are jetpacks in existence, but they aren’t widely available yet, and that’s a travesty. When I was growing up, if you told me that by the year 2017 I would still be unable to fly around the city with an easy-to-use jetpack, I would have laughed in your jetpack-hating face. American exceptionalism is dead to me.
2. The nationalization of Dairy Queens: It is troubling that here, in the wealthiest nation in the world, we are still unable to provide all Americans with free and fair access to delicious soft-serve ice cream. I remain committed to a future in which no child will have to live without twist cones.
3. An alien takeover of Earth: Frankly, if there was ever a year for one, this was it. While we can’t be sure how this alien race would rule, it seems likely they would do a better job of things than we’ve been doing.
4. A ban on kale: This leafy weed continues to find its way into the food chain, despite ample evidence that eating it is as enjoyable as sucking on a wet lily pad. While a ban might cause a temporary disturbance in the foodie community, it would be beneficial to all of humanity.
5. A ban on foodies: The aforementioned kale-related disturbance would actually be welcome, as anything that disturbs foodies is a net positive for society. The government’s unwillingness to outlaw this grotesque subculture is striking, particularly given the hideous things foodies keep doing to otherwise good hamburgers. Here’s hoping for some action in 2018.
6. A full global appreciation of my finely sculpted man-calves: As many regular readers know, my calves are my greatest asset and, arguably, two of the world’s unsung treasures. These artlike leg muscles continue to wallow in obscurity, despite my aggressive social media marketing campaign.
7. The deportation of all members of Mannheim Steamroller: This synthesizer-heavy new-age group is to Christmas what asbestos is to children’s cereal. For several holiday seasons, I’ve engaged in a Twitter war with Mannheim Steamroller, and while I’m clearly winning — based solely on the fact that I’m not a super-annoying band — it’s not enough to drive them away. I had hoped they would be shipped to Siberia to hang out with their Yuletide-decimating comrades in the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, but no dice.
8. The end of the term “binge-watching”: That term has an inherently negative connotation and is insulting to television enthusiasts like myself. So if I decide to watch nine consecutive episodes of a new Netflix show, that just means I’m immersing myself in pop culture. Or I’m achieving a heightened state of staring.
9. The invention of a phone that stares at my phone for me: You need only glance around a commuter train or any public space for a moment to see that the demands of staring at our phones have become too great. It’s basically all we do, so in order to free us up to do whatever it is we used to do prior to all the phone staring, we need new phones designed to stare at our other phone for us. A staring phone would relay any important information that comes from our other phone, but since nothing important has ever actually come from a stared-at phone, it would mainly just sit there and be quiet.
Rex Huppke is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune. Email: rhuppke@chicagotribune.com
