I write the best columns. Nobody writes better columns than I do. They’re huge; they’re beautiful; everybody loves my columns. Believe me.
You already knew that; I have written about it before. Over and over again. Many times, so many beautiful, beautiful times. But there is always more to write, because I have the best words and I write the best columns. So I share them with you, the American reader. And with your help we can make columns great again. Because I have the most readers. Period.
Like recently, when I was speaking to a bigly group of people. I was using only the best words and I said: “I have broken more Elton John records, he seems to have a lot of records. And I, by the way, I don’t have a musical instrument. I don’t have a guitar or an organ. No organ. Elton has an organ. And lots of other people helping. No we’ve broken a lot of records. We’ve broken virtually every record. Because you know, look I only need this space. They need much more room. For basketball, for hockey and all of the sports, they need a lot of room. We don’t need it. We have people in that space. So we break all of these records. Really we do it without like, the musical instruments. This is the only musical: the mouth. And hopefully the brain attached to the mouth. Right? The brain, more important than the mouth, is the brain. The brain is much more important.”
Really. I said that. Verbatim. You can look it up. I talked about Elton John and records and organs and hockey, all in one eckuisite … um … xquizit … er … really, really good monologue. Some people were confused by this. They are weak losers, right? Because my best words made more sense than some of those Bernie Taupin lyrics Elton used to sing. At least I didn’t say, “Levon sells cartoon balloons in town/ His family business thrives.” But I thought about it. Because a lot of people don’t know that the brain is more important than the mouth.