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March 28, 2024

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Jayne: My gift is my column and … this one’s for you

By Greg Jayne
Published: July 15, 2018, 6:02am

I write the best columns. Nobody writes better columns than I do. They’re huge; they’re beautiful; everybody loves my columns. Believe me.

You already knew that; I have written about it before. Over and over again. Many times, so many beautiful, beautiful times. But there is always more to write, because I have the best words and I write the best columns. So I share them with you, the American reader. And with your help we can make columns great again. Because I have the most readers. Period.

Like recently, when I was speaking to a bigly group of people. I was using only the best words and I said: “I have broken more Elton John records, he seems to have a lot of records. And I, by the way, I don’t have a musical instrument. I don’t have a guitar or an organ. No organ. Elton has an organ. And lots of other people helping. No we’ve broken a lot of records. We’ve broken virtually every record. Because you know, look I only need this space. They need much more room. For basketball, for hockey and all of the sports, they need a lot of room. We don’t need it. We have people in that space. So we break all of these records. Really we do it without like, the musical instruments. This is the only musical: the mouth. And hopefully the brain attached to the mouth. Right? The brain, more important than the mouth, is the brain. The brain is much more important.”

Really. I said that. Verbatim. You can look it up. I talked about Elton John and records and organs and hockey, all in one eckuisite … um … xquizit … er … really, really good monologue. Some people were confused by this. They are weak losers, right? Because my best words made more sense than some of those Bernie Taupin lyrics Elton used to sing. At least I didn’t say, “Levon sells cartoon balloons in town/ His family business thrives.” But I thought about it. Because a lot of people don’t know that the brain is more important than the mouth.

You see, the key to writing the best columns is to criticize your friends and say nice things about your enemies. Because our friends are weak and dishonest, right? And our enemies are “talented” and have a “great personality” and are “very smart” and are “not my enemy” and they have “great beaches” and “electric boots, a mohair suit.” I have said all those things about my enemies. Well, Elton might have said one of them. And if I am wrong about our enemies, I said, “I don’t know that I’ll ever admit that, but I’ll find some kind of excuse.” No collusion. No collusion. You’re the collusion!

Because I am a stable genius. I said that, too. On more than one occasion. Because repeating a claim makes it twice as true. Even if the failing fake news media doesn’t believe it. Fake news! They should be thrown in jail. Because the brain is much more important.

No columnist has done more than I have to make columns great again. My readers are tired of all the winning. And when we get tired of winning, we listen to “The Star-Spangled Banner” or “God Bless America” and kind of mumble along because we don’t know the words. Because that is patriotism! And we proudly stand and mumble and we don’t kneel. Because patriotism is not knowing the words!

I’m only a columnist

You might think I sound like a deranged, incompetent charlatan who is desperate for validation. Like I have no capacity for introspection. Like I am an insecure dotard. Wrong! Those words are much too large to be in my leckikon … um … lixiccon … er … I don’t use those words. I use only the best words. Like when I said, “And there is no better word than stupid, right?”

But we are going to make columns great again. And then I’ll go play golf. Making columns great again will depend upon you, the American reader. You need to think about whether your columnist’s brain is attached to his mouth. And then you need to be thankful that he is just a columnist and not something important.

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