“Ladies and gentlemen, we have a major announcement from the Republican majority leader.”
“Thank you. I am here to tell you we were wrong. Rush and Sean and I had agreed that we would oppose global warming until 99.75 percent of the world’s scientists decided we were in error, and 75 percent of the carbon barons stopped paying. Those numbers have now been exceeded so we are bowing out.
“Some have suggested we donate a large part of our accumulated wealth to the many organizations working to aid the displaced. We decided this would be too extreme a move toward socialism so have instead decided to invest in solar-powered private islands where we can safely watch the melting process.
“In closing, we would like to thank all our loyal conservative folks who truly believed we could project their hold on the past into an ever-changing future. We hope you have learned something. This might be a good time to get your head straight and work to clean up the mess you have helped create.
“Long live glorious capitalism, where eventually the rich run everything, and the poor are ignored and forgotten. Just as Darwin predicted. Good bye and good luck.”
