BOISE, Idaho — It’s time to celebrate, Idaho, so cut yourself an extra-large piece of cake.
Make it angel food.
And chase it with a bottle of O’Doul’s.
For the first time in the history of humankind, Idaho officially can declare itself America’s least sinful state.
That’s according to an annual study from WalletHub, the personal finance website that invents a ranking for everything.
Its new article, “2022’s Most Sinful States in America,” places Idaho at the absolute bottom of the list: No. 50. We out-goody-two-shoed our prissy, sanctimonious Utah neighbors by a whopping eight spots.
Go jump in a Salt Lake, sinners!
WalletHub says it compared all of the states “across 47 key indicators of immoral or illicit behavior. Our data set ranges from violent crimes per capita to excessive drinking to the share of the population with gambling disorders.”
Here’s where the Gem State finished in the major categories — 1 being most sinful, 50 being least sinful:
- Anger & Hatred: 41st
- Jealousy: 50th
- Excesses & Vices: 36th
- Greed: 38th
- Lust: 41st
- Vanity: 41st
- Laziness: 30th
What makes us so morally superior in Idaho?
Is it our willingness to suffer with a smile — and an alcohol ban — during 100-degree days on the Boise River?
Is it the fact that Boise strip clubs actually are “bikini” bars? No nudity allowed. By law. By God!
Is it the fact that the Gem State will never, ever, ever legalize the devil’s lettuce? Not even for medical reasons?
No clue. I’m too busy adjusting my halo in the mirror to worry about that stuff.
So which state is the most sinful? Unsurprisingly, that brothel-loving, gambling-ravaged gutter Nevada. (I haven’t set foot there in, like, four months.)
What’s worrisome, though?
The runner-up for most sinful state is California. Right behind Nevada.
How much longer can Idaho maintain its innocence with all those depraved Golden Staters invading our pristine land?
If things get bad, we could all just move next door to Oregon. Despite its billion pot shops and nudie bars, Oregon is a respectable No. 35 on the list. Which does bring the entire exercise into question.
Incidentally, if you feel like you’ve read this column before? You sorta have. We Idahoans have come very close to being the least sinful state — No. 3 in 2020, No. 5 in 2019.
I’ve run out of ideas on how to write about it, so I just recycle. And it’s impossible for me to plagiarize off myself.
It wouldn’t be a sin, anyway. After all, I’m an Idahoan.