Abcarian: Welcome to Cameo, land of has-beens

On Cameo, Gaetz, who withdrew from consideration for Trump’s Cabinet following allegations of sexual misconduct including having sex with a 17-year-old girl (which he denies), will personalize a one-minute-ish video message for anyone willing to shell out 500 bucks.

That is on the high side for Cameo, where a message from, say, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin can be had for $199, from former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich for $100, and from Anthony Scaramucci — the Mooch himself — for $59. Former Republican New York Rep. George Santos, a convicted fraudster who was expelled from Congress, commands $250. Even Rep. Lauren Boebert made a brief appearance, charging $250 and up, before someone on her team realized that it might violate congressional ethics laws. Go figure.

Disgraced former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, who has offered his services on Cameo for the past several years, is not available right now, but you can send him a message for $19.99 or watch some of the videos he recorded before bowing out. A highlight of my visit to the site was watching Giuliani woodenly recite the nursery rhyme “I’m a little teacup” for a boy named Tim.

Gaetz is at your service for birthdays, anniversaries, promotions and pep talks. Here’s part of what he told a couple named Jack and Grace:

“I love marriage. I’ve been married, I guess I am in my fourth year now. And marriage is an incredible institution because you get to have, like, a specialization of skills. Here’s what I mean by that: For me, booking an airline ticket is a hellscape, right? You gotta have all the numbers, you gotta go through all the window pages. My wife is a total wizard at that stuff. And then I’ve learned in marriage there are certain things I’m super-good at, like taking out the trash, doing the dishes, killing the bugs, cleaning around the house. Actually come to think of it, she’s pretty much using me as a maid. But I will do that, and marriage, you know what, you just get rewarded by it and comforted by it, so I wish you all the happiness in the world.”

For a man who is still basically a newlywed, you’d think he’d have something a little more inspiring or romantic to share.

I confess, I do not understand the impulse to be addressed on video by a famous person I’ve never met and who would probably not give me the time of day if I encountered him on the street. I seem to lack the starstruck gene.

Occasionally, I might approach a well-known person if we have some sort of connection.

This happened last spring at a Starbucks in Malibu, when I introduced myself to Caitlyn Jenner, whose ghostwriter was once engaged to a close friend of mine. Her Trump endorsement on social media had just gone viral. She was pleasant and chatty. Oh, and she will record a Cameo video just for you for the not-so-low price of $2,500.

At a moment when trans people are being vilified by MAGA Republicans trying to score political points with the base, I find it refreshing that one Caitlyn Jenner is worth five Matt Gaetzes.