Third time’s a charm with cool dessert

Mistakes were made.

Many mistakes, in fact. But I got there in the end: one decadent icebox cake with layers of cinnamon-laced coffee cream and caramelly Biscoff cookies, my twist on a Mexican Carlota de café. I substituted crunchy Belgian Biscoff cookies for the traditional galletas de Maria — though any sort of crunchy cookie would work, like graham crackers, vanilla wafers, or rich tea biscuits. Ginger snaps might also be a zingy addition.

But back to my Rube Goldberg-level chain of woopsies. It all started so well! I saw a video for Carlota de café online, jotted down the recipe with notes, assembled my ingredients, donned my apron and went to work with a devil-may-care cheerfulness. I put all the ingredients in a bowl and blended away. I hesitated a bit when it came to adding “12 ounces of strong coffee” because that seemed like a lot of liquid to add to whipped cream. I worried the cream wouldn’t thicken but that’s how Video Person did it and so that’s how I did it, too.

I hope you’re hearing the sound of a bleating 1910 Model T horn in your head because that’s the sound I should have heard in mine. I blended and blended and blended and ever so gradually the cream thickened. It was about the consistency of very thick pea soup when I stopped blending and wondered whether it would get the job done or just turn the dessert into a soggy mess. I decided to keep blending and that’s when the cream split into liquid and foamy solids. (As the Wise Old Internet says about splitting cream, “Apart from cheesemaking, this is undesirable.”)

Whipped cream is unrecoverable once it’s split. I theorized that it had split because the coffee hadn’t cooled enough when I added it, but whether or not that was the actual reason, I was left with a giant bowl of curdled coffee goo. I will no doubt be using it as coffee creamer over the next couple weeks, if I can get past the idea of chunky cream-bits floating in my coffee. Mmmmmm.

There was nothing for it except to go back to the store, buy a second round of ingredients and start over. By this time, it was late evening, and my husband, Simon, was home for work. I wheedled him into going to the store with me, just to make the outing slightly more enjoyable. He grumbled a bit but bless his cotton socks, he came with me.

Back at home, I laid everything out again and got to work. And then I realized I had forgotten the sweetened condensed milk. I uttered an unprintable word, grabbed my coat and car keys and was about to head out the door when my husband chuckled and said, “Do you want me to come with you again?” That’s true love. Or maybe he just wanted dessert.

I guess the third time really is a charm because, after schlepping to the store and back home for round three, everything proceeded without a hitch. To avoid the cream splitting, I whipped it separately from the cream cheese and condensed milk, then folded the two together. I bypassed the 12-ounces-of-coffee issue and got coffee flavor from instant coffee mixed with a smidgeon of boiling water.

You might think that 2 heaping tablespoons of instant coffee is too strong, but this extremely rich dessert needs the bitter punch of dark coffee. Even though the cake is sweetened only with condensed milk, it’s still quite sweet, and the intense coffee flavor is what saves it from cloying. If you (like me) are trying to cut back on caffeine I see no reason why you couldn’t substitute decaf. It will still provide that bracingly sharp counterpoint to the sweet cream.

And while we’re on the subject of cream and sugar and caffeine, I’d just like to be very clear that this is not a healthy dessert. It’s a giant slab of LDL cholesterol with refined carbohydrates and stimulants. One modest slice is probably the caloric equivalent, numerically speaking, of the gross domestic product of Norway. My advice to you is to eat a grapefruit instead.

But if you decide that you’d rather have cake than grapefruit, you should know that assembling it is quick and fun: a layer of cream, a layer of cookies, then cream, then cookies, then cream and cookies again topped by a final layer of cream. You don’t need to be too precious about getting the cream to spread smoothly, although you do want to make sure all the cookies are covered so they can absorb the cream’s moisture while chilling and form the “cake” part of this cake.

Before putting the cake in the fridge, finish it by combining 1 teaspoon of cinnamon and 1 teaspoon of instant coffee and sift it over the top. In about eight hours, you’ll have a cold, sweet, creamy treat that seems labor intensive but is actually easy to make, assuming you’re not me.

Biscoffee Icebox Cake

8 ounces cream cheese

1 14-ounce can sweetened condensed milk

2 teaspoons vanilla

1 teaspoon cinnamon

2 generous tablespoons instant coffee

2 tablespoons boiling water

1 quart heavy whipping cream

2 13.23-ounces packages Biscoff cookies

1 teaspoon cinnamon

1 teaspoon instant coffee

Using a hand mixer, blend room temperature cream cheese with sweetened condensed milk, vanilla and 1 teaspoon cinnamon. Add boiling water to 2 heaping tablespoons instant coffee, stir to dissolve and slowly incorporate into cream cheese mixture. Set aside. In a separate bowl, blend a quart of whipping cream until stiff peaks form. Fold whipped cream into cream cheese-coffee mixture. Spread a layer of cream over the bottom of a 9-by-13-inch pan about ½-inch deep, all the way to the edges of the pan. Top with a layer of Biscoff cookies, tightly arranged side by side. Top with another layer of cream, another layer of cookies, another layer of cream, another layer of cookies, then top with remaining cream. (Use your instincts as to how much cream goes into each layer. You want all the cookies to be completely covered, with no bits peeking through, but don’t pile on more than about ½ inch to ¾ inch of cream.) After spreading the top layer of cream all the way to the edges, combine cinnamon and instant coffee and use a sifter to sprinkle the cinnamon and coffee over the top of the cake. Chill in fridge at least eight hours or overnight. Serve with (what else?) a cup of strong coffee. Makes enough to feed a slumber party, if you want to stay awake all night hopped up on caffeine.