Tough Enough? How parents can help their kids handle criticism

Very few things bring out more emotion in parents than watching their kids play youth sports. Showing emotion is normal and a sign that parents care, which kids will recognize, appreciate and understand. The problem comes when adults choose to display their emotions in a way that takes the focus away from the kids who are playing. Over-enthusiastic parents and coaches often take the fun out of sports for young athletes, fans and other parents.

Signs of over enthusiasm include bragging incessantly about a kid’s sports achievements, placing too much emphasis on a child’s career and giving false praise to kids. Of course, the biggest sign of over-enthusiastic parents is making a “scene” at their kids’ games — to the point that makes others uncomfortable.

Signs of this behavior are cheering too loudly, coaching from the stands, berating players on the opposing team, and second-guessing game officials. All of these signs of overzealous adults can easily take the fun out of youth sports. Additionally, the tension created by this behavior often leads to ugly, memorable confrontations. Zeal and enthusiasm are great, but adults who go over the line of appropriate behavior give those positive qualities a bad name.

Following are suggestions for how to deal with overzealous sport parents and coaches:

o Adults who notice an unpleasant situation should discuss the situation with as many team parents as possible to find the level of unhappiness about this behavior.

o When many parents agree that the situation is unhealthy, they should approach the team coaches, as long as a coach is not the problem.

o If a coach is part of the problem, parents can call a parent meeting and approach the coach as a group.

o If there is a parent who is a good friend of the problem parent, the friend should be the one to approach the person — if and when the friend is willing. When there is not a willing friend, a mandatory team parent meeting should be called to discuss the situation.

o E-mail and telephone are acceptable means of initial communication to avoid a scene at the field.

o With luck, an agreement can be worked out among all. When things do not change, a league official may have to be contacted with concerns.

o When the abusive situation comes from the opposing team, a letter or phone call to the opponent’s director is a course of action, so at least someone is made aware of the situation.

When the negative situation involves a player and his or her own parent, it gets much more difficult. This parent should be approached only when it negatively affects more people than his or her child. As much as people may want to help the child of the negative parent, this may not be their place. Talking to this parent’s spouse may be a possible line of action, though.

— Chicago Tribune

Criticism is tough to take — and getting tougher all the time for some teens and 20-somethings.

“I’ve noticed increasingly as we get students in the millennium generation that they do have a hard time not getting the grade they want and reading critical comments. They want A’s,” said Frances Stott, a professor at the Erikson Institute, a nationally renowned graduate school specializing in child development.

She attributes the trend to two polar ways in which children are being raised.

“Parents have become increasingly child-centered with values that include self-expression. So these kids come to school in a new setting, where they may not be so used to criticism, and are used to feeling very special,” she said.

Second, “there are some children — fewer — who have been feeling devalued or rejected in their family,” she said. “They also have trouble accepting criticism.”

Learning to accept criticism and evaluate one’s behavior empowers a child for life.

“Kids, by 5 or 6 years old, are ready cognitively to appreciate that other people are observing and evaluating them,” Stott said.

Wise parents help their children — not with false soothing, distractions or praise — but with probing observations, Stott said. For instance, you might say, “I noticed yesterday that Sally didn’t want to play with you. Do you have any ideas of why that might be?” With some guidance, the child might respond, “It could be that Sally is having a bad day. Or it could be because I didn’t share.”

“This helps the child see that they could do something about it,” Stott said. “If you can own up to your own mistakes, it ultimately gives you more control because you can then fix it. It’s paradoxical because it’s painful, even as an adult, to think, ‘I said something I shouldn’t have said.’ On the other hand, actually knowing that is better than doing it again.”

Aaron Cooper, a family psychologist and co-author of “I Just Want My Kids to Be Happy: Why You Shouldn’t Say It, Why You Shouldn’t Think It, What You Should Embrace Instead” (Late August Press, $15.95), says the title of his book partly explains why young people are struggling with criticism.

“We can’t teach our children self-control if we don’t say no and set plenty of limits,” Cooper said. “And, of course, children will be unhappy when we do. That’s natural. So when we make our kids’ happiness the most important thing, we often abdicate that role of disciplinarian and teacher and corrector.”

Ordinary moments of adversity — a child’s not getting the lead in the school play — build resilience. “The only way we get good at bouncing back,” Cooper said, “is having plenty of practice falling into a pothole in life.”

He cites evidence that 20-somethings now are not as resilient as previous generations.

“One indicator is, when we talk to Fortune 500 corporations, managers complain about the young 20-something hires, that they don’t want to climb the ladder,” Cooper said. “They want to have the corner office yesterday. And if they don’t get the promotion, then they’re going to look for another job. It looks like the behavior of young people who growing up weren’t accustomed to facing adversity.

“Corporate managers also report that the 20-somethings are having trouble working as a member of a team. That was not seen in generations past in the same numbers. This is what happens when a generation or two is raised by parents who just want their kids to be happy,” Cooper said.

Children may need help deciding whether the criticism is valid. If the teacher writes, “Talks too much in class” on the report card, sit down and ask your child, “What do you think of the teacher’s comment? What part of that comment do you think is accurate?”

“That approach to criticism, which I’m calling ‘think about it,’” Cooper said, “is more important than what they conclude.”