Press Talk: Dear Santa, I'm wishing for …

By Lou Brancaccio, Columbian editor

Published:

 
photoLou Brancaccio, Columbian editor

Merry Christmas, Santa!

Sure, we’re still a few days away, but when you’re dealing with the day of giving, it never hurts to begin celebrating early.

Santa, I am hoping for a few things, if that’s OK. A shirt and tie and, oh yeah, a Don’t Do Stupid Stuff mug. I know I already have two that I drink from every day, Santa, but I do enough stupid stuff that a third one is needed. Please?

What’s that, Santa? You’ve given so many of them as presents this year you’re all out? Oh my!

Any more coming, Santa? There are? Christmas Eve, maybe? Sweet.

I really do need another one, Santa, because it’s the gift that keeps on giving. Every time I look at one, I’m reminded to not do stupid stuff.

Santa, I love gifts that keep on giving. If it’s OK, can I ask for a few more? Here goes:

• Can you make sure, Santa, that state Rep. Jim Moeller keeps on finding stuff? He’s the best finder in the whole, wide county. Honest. You don’t understand, Santa? Well, you see, my friend Jim has never — and I mean never — seen a tax he didn’t fall in love with. So just when us taxpayers figured there was not another dime he could possibly squeeze, he manages to find a few more coins in our pockets. I told you he was a good finder.

• Can you make sure state Sen. Don Benton keeps smiling? My buddy Don, Santa, has every reason to smile. He’s taken us residents on one of the craziest, wildest rides we’ve ever been on. I love wild rides, Santa.

Don has managed to parlay his just-about-average brainpower into a million-dollar lifestyle, mostly courtesy of us taxpayers. He keeps barely getting elected but managed to create a private business telling others the secrets to getting elected.

Then when a $100,000-a-year county environmental job comes up, his commissioner buddies sneak him in the back door. Sure, Don doesn’t know the difference between acid rain and aioli, but Santa, that’s beside the point. More money for the Don! That’s why he’s always smiling. I love smiles, too.

photoMysterious, seductive, masculine — Calvin Klein 'Encounter'

• Can you make sure Vancouver Schools Superintendent Steven Webb smells good? I know this is a strange request, but I just hate stinky school people. You gave him a private shower (or was that taxpayers?) earlier in the year. But soap and water ain’t the total package. A little of Calvin Klein’s Encounter may be necessary.

• Finally, Santa, could you make sure Commissioner David Madore keeps being Commissioner David Madore? I mean — let’s be honest now — this guy is something special. We’ve already talked about how well he treats his friends like Mr. Benton. And what about that 3,285-page Integrity Resolution he gently jammed down our throats?

And most of all, think about all the time and money we’re now going to spend to try to lessen his powers by changing the way the county government works. We just elected a bunch of freeholders, and they’re going to recommend ways to somehow bottle up Madore. But I’m not sure that’s what the freeholders will tell you. But it’s the truth. And I don’t want to get on your naughty side by fibbing. And if we can bottle Madore up just a little — let’s see — we can get back to those other gifts that keep on giving … stuff like finding more tax dollars, smiling when we get government jobs and smelling good. Especially smelling good.

Thanks, Santa. And don’t forget my mugs!