If you’re fighting about money in your marriage, what do you wish you had known before you exchanged vows? Would you have gotten out of the relationship had you known your partner was an unrepentant spendthrift? Had you discovered your other half was hiding a great debt, would you still have gotten married?
Those of us who give financial advice often urge couples to take a premarital class prior to tying the knot, but for many couples, a premarital class is too late. The engagement ring has been given, the wedding dress ordered and the nonrefundable deposit made on the reception hall. Some couples are already living with each other. It’s often because of these financial entanglements that people aren’t willing to split even when there’s evidence their partner might not be the right person for them. They needed earlier intervention.
I’ve long been a fan of my church’s 10-week course for couples who are contemplating marriage. The couples must finish this class before they can take premarital classes. To complement the course, Skip and Beverly Little, the directors of the couples ministry at First Baptist Church of Glenarden, Md., have written “So You Think You Want to Get Married?” ($11.99, Xulon Press). The book is my pick for this month’s Color of Money Book Club. It can be purchased at Xulonpress.com, Amazon or Barnes & Noble.
“So You Think You Want to Get Married?” is a Bible-based, very conservative premarital class prequel. And while it might not appeal to everyone, the Littles’ concept is important: When considering marriage, you need to rely on facts, not just feelings.
Numerous surveys indicate that fights about money top the list of concerns for couples, but money is not the root of the arguments; it is the fundamental issues that the couples failed to address — or even notice — before their wedding.
A study released earlier this year found that 88 percent of adults 25 to 34 who are married or living with a partner said that financial decisions are a constant source of tension. And yet, many couples in the survey conducted by the American Institute of CPAs and the Ad Council said they had never discussed their financial goals or habits.
The focus of “So You Think You Want to Get Married?” is broader than finances, but discovering your potential mate financially is vital to a successful marriage.
Throughout the book, the Littles share stories about couples, such as “Jimmy” and “Susie,” who have gone through their program. They, like others, had to share their credit reports and credit scores with each other. Susie was an excessive spender with a poor credit history. Although Jimmy was aware of her spending habits, he didn’t know she had been criminally prosecuted for writing bad checks.
“Jimmy could not believe he had come so close to getting married without taking a closer look at the implications of Susie’s extreme spending habits,” the Littles write.
Through exercises and questions, the Littles get people to “explore and evaluate their decision to love for a lifetime.” The Littles also advise couples to get parental guidance in their decision to marry. Family dynamics impact your marriage, they write.
Spiritual or secular, we should encourage serious couples to delve deeply while courting.
“In relationships, ‘wearing masks’ causes people to marry individuals they do not really know,” the Littles write.
The underlying theme in “So You Think You Want to Get Married?” is: As you gain insight about your partner, when you find serious issues, you can and should walk away from the relationship if the problems are insurmountable or you are unwilling to live with what you discover. It will save you a lot of heartache and money.
Michelle Singletary welcomes comments and column ideas. Reach her in care of The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington, DC 20071; or singletarym@washpost.com.
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