Berko: Send son to French Foreign Legion — or Congress

The Legion doesn’t give a fig about your son’s citizenship, race, religion, educational background, language proficiency, social status, military background or professional achievements. But the boy must be physically fit, have a passport and be between 18 and 39 years of age. You’ll have to take your son to Paris to visit a French Foreign Legion recruiting center; there’s no other way to join. And he must commit for five years. In those five years, the Legion should turn your son into a man who understands personal and team responsibility and hard work. And when he returns home, you’ll be so proud and overwhelmed at the changes that you’ll have a few good cries. I’ve seen it. I’m impressed!

Other options

If the Legion doesn’t float his boat, then your son certainly has all the requisite qualities that would make him a gifted politician. And if he were to play his cards smartly, he could make a bloody fortune. It’s easy to break in to politics at the local level; begin by joining the Young Democrats of America or the Young Republicans National Federation. Because your son is a class president, he’s probably a smooth public speaker, and that’s a fantastic skill. In 10 years, his public speaking and people skills could earn him elected positions at city and county levels, where he could make handsome bucks at the trough by awarding municipal contracts, approving zoning matters, recommending financial relationships, etc.!

But as a member of his state legislature, he could smartly and quietly earn hundreds of thousands of dollars under the hat on a much larger scale. Legislatures in California, New York, Illinois, Florida, Texas and Pennsylvania are the most corrupt and therefore offer the finest opportunities.

But the best bang for the buck is Congress, because there’s no limit to what he could earn if he were to play his lobbyists right. Your son has movie-star looks, is a felon, is a good public speaker, has a convincing personality and is an athlete. These are perfect qualifications. He doesn’t have to be bright; most members of Congress are basically articulate incompetents. Electing a congressman shouldn’t be left to voters who watch the Kardashians and Jerry Springer, but they are the stupids who would put your son in Congress and millions in his pockets. So with his thousand-watt smile, larcenous soul, hair slicked back like cake frosting, silver tongue and desire to make “big money,” Congress is an ideal fit.

Malcolm Berko addresses questions about stocks. Reach him at P.O. Box 8303, Largo, FL 33775 or mjberko@yahoo.com.