Singletary: When you die, who will get what?

During a recent online chat, a reader asked me to reconsider my position on parents leaving an inheritance.

I believe people — upon their death — should do with their money what they want, even if it means not equally dividing their estate among their adult children or other heirs. However, I do have a caveat to that position, which I’ll address later.

The reader pointed out this inheritance story from a colleague’s advice column (http://wapo.st/2bS8XrZ): “My maternal grandparents gave all their money to my aunt. They said my mom didn’t need it because she ‘married well.’ Soon after my grandparents passed away, my dad did, too. My mom was a struggling widow. And then, my aunt passed away. All that grandparental dough went to her sons — my cousins — who squandered it. It is now 30 years later, and my mom has always struggled. She really could have used any portion of that money. And she never recovered from the hurt feelings, either.”

In response to this story, the chat participant wrote: “I thought the writer’s perspective was unique. You never know how your children’s situations may change.”

I understand that people’s financial circumstances change. Nonetheless, the disinherited daughter is guilty of giving into a sense of entitlement. She chose to stay wounded for 30 years because she didn’t receive money that wasn’t hers.

It was her grandparents’ money to distribute as they saw fit at the time. And they thought their other child was in more need.

Caretaking of a parent is another area that can cause hard feelings, certified financial planner Carolyn McClanahan said.

“Too often, family members who are the caretakers are not given consideration for the time they spend providing care,” she said. “The estate is usually evenly divided, and this often causes resentment.”

McClanahan said her financial planning staff tries to mitigate estate battles by coming up with family agreements in advance on who will be responsible for care of parents and what consideration they will be given.

“Ideally, they are paid for their time and effort during their time of service,” she said. “If that is not feasible because of limited resources, we discuss how to compensate them in the estate plan. We also work with families to create transparency around finances so everyone is clear that nothing nefarious is occurring.”

About that caveat: Do what you wish with your money, but think about the upheaval you will leave if you purposefully leave an adult child or children out of your will.

Or think about the character of your children and the resentments — and court battles — your estate plan may cause if your assets aren’t divided in a manner your heirs will consider just.

And to you potential heirs: Keep in mind that you aren’t entitled to other people’s money, even your parents’. And that equal is sometimes not fair. And that fair is sometimes not being equal.

Michelle Singletary welcomes comments and column ideas. Reach her in care of The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington, DC 20071; or singletarym@washpost.com.