Closely watch or listen to Ta’Shayla Wagner, and it’s the only way you’ll know.
The subtle head jerking or hand twitching. In times she’s anxious, she’ll make high-pitch chirps.
At nearly 6 feet, Wagner stands out as a corner infielder on Fort Vancouver’s softball team. A big bat and cannon for an arm, head coach Erick Johnson says, she hits in the heart of the Trappers’ batting order and plays outfield, too.
And it’s here, the softball field, where Wagner is most comfortable because she’s not focusing on Tourette Syndrome, which she lives with daily. Instead, she focuses on the game she’s played since age 7.
Wagner came out of her comfort zone last year choosing to be unmedicated, permanently ending her routine of 10 symptom-controlling pills a day. She’s now proud to accept Tourette’s as a part of her, and a big reason for why she’s on a mission to educate.
“I want to help others to understand it,” said Wagner, 18, “and others who also have Tourette’s.”
Tourette Syndrome is a neurological disorder characterized by repetitive, involuntary movements and vocalizations called tics. Symptoms are usually noticed in childhood.
Wagner’s diagnosis came at age 10 after specialists assumed her constant throat clearing was allergy-related. Soon, her symptoms escalated to uncontrollable head jerks, high-pitch noises and twitching. At 12, she had her first profane outburst, a rare symptom of Tourette’s called coprolalia.
Anxiety quickly developed, and to the point of being afraid to speak.
“I couldn’t control it,” she said. “I honestly couldn’t focus; I was focused on keeping everything in.
“It was a really heavy feeling in my chest of holding everything in.”
Wagner’s parents, Amye and Adam, never sheltered their daughter from extracurricular activities, but school eventually wore her down.
At McLoughlin Middle School, students’ teasing and bullying made Wagner feel alone and embarrassed. Panic attacks caused her Tourette’s to flare up. Some adults in her life couldn’t understand that her actions and noises weren’t done purposefully. For school tests, Wagner retreated to a separate room.
It was here that became Wagner’s low point.
“That was one of my worst times,” she said. “I wanted to be alone. … I always wondered why I had to have it.”
By eighth grade, Wagner transitioned to the Lieser Campus, a school which provides a personalized, flexible and independent educational option for Vancouver Public Schools’ students in kindergarten through 12 grade.
Last year, she switched to Fort’s Lieser Branch program, where she’s in one classroom all day. It makes for a better overall learning environment, she said.
“I get a lot more done here now,” Wagner said.
Wagner now is in her third year playing softball at Fort, but not without reservation. Fears over teammates’ potential judgment kept her on the fence before tryouts as a sophomore. That is, until longtime friend and ex-teammate Sydney Brugman’s heartfelt conversation helped make a breakthrough.
Brugman graduated from Fort last spring and played four years of varsity softball. First teammates, then friends at age 8, Brugman eased Wagner’s skepticism of playing high school softball by reassuring her one thing: don’t let Tourette’s define you.
“I told her it’s not like it changes who you are as a person,” said Brugman, now a freshman engineering major at the University of Washington. “We’re out there to play softball; we’re not out there to be judged.”
Wagner’s turning point arrived. Her symptoms all but disappear when playing softball, though she still admits some symptoms reappear when she’s anxious. While fielding, her focus is on what to do when the ball is in play. Batting, she focuses on a good pitch to make contact.
Like so many before him, Johnson, Fort’s coach, failed to notice Wagner’s symptoms until her mother approached him mid-season in 2016.
Could’ve fooled him, he said. His first impression of Wagner: “Man, she’s tall,” he said.
“I was excited to see her because we don’t see a lot of really tall, long super athletic kids,” Johnson said. “She’s got a powerful, big swing.”
That powerful swing came in handy last fall as a first-year right-side hitter for Fort’s varsity volleyball team. Wagner forwent slowpitch in favor of a sport that drove her out of her comfort zone.
But more than ever before, Tourette’s now is in her comfort zone.
“I may have something different than you,” Wagner said, “but that doesn’t mean I’m not normal.”
