My fellow Americans, I understand that some of you are questioning why I, Scott Pruitt, head of what’s-its-name, that environmental office that I sued 13 times, spent $100,000 to go to Morocco.
Or had to build a $43,000 phone booth.
Or has 20 bodyguards.
Or gave two talented young women on my staff $57,000 and $28,000 raises.
Or have a plan to get rid of clean-car standards.
Or paid an energy lobbyist’s wife $50 a night for a lease on her condo when I slept there.
Or flew on a private jet and in first class because those people in coach bothered me.
I explained all this to Congress, in no uncertain terms. (They should mind their own business.) But because I aspire to higher office, I will reluctantly give you my reasoning. It really doesn’t matter because I actually have to please just one guy, Donald Trump of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. No matter what I do, he loves me.
Just a few days ago the president tweeted that I am doing a “great job” (at the Environmental Protection Agency). Mr. Trump even explained that $50 a night is the going rate in Washington for a room (although not at Trump International Hotel, which costs about $1,000 a night).
Now, I am telling you I went to Morocco for four days last December to talk about sending U.S. natural gas to Morocco. I admit I told Congress it was to iron out some environmental issues on a trade deal with Morocco, although usually I have people who have people to do that. I had never been to Morocco, and I love staying in Sofitel Hotels. They serve champagne and strawberries all the time!
Yes, it turns out my good friend, Richard Smotkin, arranged it all. And how was I to know the next month he’d start getting $40,000 a month to lobby for Morocco? I think he will do a very good job for Morocco. He certainly showed me a good time. But I want to make clear he did not actually go to my meetings on, well, my meetings.
And Smotkin cares as much as I do about “protecting human health and the environment,” even though I don’t think EPA should be so aggressive about it. Not for nothing did I sue EPA 13 times when I was attorney general of Oklahoma, which is a very nice state. I go back there about every weekend. When I can, of course.
Using oil is God’s will
I also want to clear up something. People said they heard on Christian Broadcast Network that I said that God wants us to use oil. Well, it’s true. He gave us the oil for a reason and it shouldn’t be government’s role to make us stop using it. We have a responsibility to harvest the resources God blessed us with.
I take religion very seriously. After all, I was a deacon at First Baptist Church in Broken Arrow, Okla., and I was a trustee at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville. But I am no science denier. I just don’t think climate change is something government ought to be involved in. And I don’t think all the science is in on the issue of evolution.
Also, it’s not true we have a war on science at EPA. I fired certain people because I didn’t like them, not because they were scientists who disagreed with me.
Back to my job, which I honestly do think God wants me to do. I have come to the conclusion that we need to roll back fuel efficiency standards. I know 17 states and the District of Columbia are suing me for this, but I am right and they are wrong. We won’t solve climate change, if it turns out to be real, by government mandates on what comes out of a tailpipe. I don’t really care if California says it’s a health issue.
I hear there are 11 investigations of me for ethics, spending and so-called illegalities. Bring ’em on. I’ll let you know about my next job as soon as I end the weaponization of EPA by the environmental left and the president gets the Nobel Peace Prize.
Ann McFeatters is an op-ed columnist for Tribune News Service. Readers may send her email at amcfeatters@nationalpress.com
