Milbank: Two princes live happily ever after in their fairy tale

Now, Saudi Arabia was not really the paradise of young Jared’s imagination but the dark kingdom that produced Osama bin Laden and his evil hijackers. The country persecuted women and made war on innocent people. But the Saudi leader, King Salman, waved a wand for Jared’s royal visit, and the despotic country was magically transformed into the peaceful, reforming society of Jared’s fantasy. King Salman threw a great ball, and Jared was captivated by the military bands, the fighter-jet flyover and, especially, the magic sword dance.

King Salman waved his wand again and there, at the ball, was a ball: a great, glowing glass orb — the prettiest in the whole world! When Prince Jared touched the shimmering orb, a spell came over him. He came to believe that King Salman’s heir, Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, or Salmanella, was the fairest of them all. The orb led Jared to believe that if he embraced Salmanella, his land would be blessed with $270 billion in Saudi arms payments, Saudi investments and lots of cheap oil.

Prince Charming had found his Prince Charming. Or so he thought!

Prince turns into a beast

It came to pass that Jared did everything he could to make the beautiful image of Salmanella he saw in the glass orb fit reality. He looked away when the Saudi prince killed civilians in Yemen, imprisoned rivals in the dungeon of the Ritz-Carlton, kidnapped the Lebanese prime minister and made mischief in Syria. Jared and his friends did all they could to win Salmanella’s heart: busting up Middle East diplomacy and tearing up an agreement with Iran.

But when the clock struck midnight on the day the arms deals were to be signed, there was no $270 billion. There wasn’t even $110 billion. The Saudi promises amounted to rags. And when Jared presented his new Middle East peace plan — a plan he had written himself, with love — King Salman and Salmanella rejected it.

Just then, when it seemed the sad prince’s despair could not be deeper, Jared learned that Salmanella — his Salmanella — was suspected of ordering 15 evil henchman to Turkey to kidnap a journalist living in Jared’s own land, and kill him. To his horror, Prince Jared discovered he was in the wrong fairy tale: His Prince Charming had turned into a beast!

Ridicule rained on the disgraced Prince Jared for his na?ve trust in the bad prince. And here our story might have ended, had a revelation not occurred to Jared: Salmanella may be unscrupulous, but he was still super rich! And so Jared decided that, Prince Charming or not, the shoe fit.

Prince Jared and Salmanella did real estate deals together. They didn’t pay taxes. They got recognized more and more. And they lived happily ever after.