I write the best columns. Nobody writes better columns than I do. They’re huge; they’re beautiful; everybody loves my columns. Believe me.
You already knew that; I have written about it before. Over and over again. Many times, so many beautiful, beautiful times. But there is always more to write, because I have the best words and I write the best columns. And I share them with you, the American reader. And with your help I can keep columns great, because I already made columns great again.
Like recently, when I was speaking to a bigly group of people. I was using only the best words and I said: “I hate to say the three things. It’s the shower, it’s the sink, and you know the third element in the bathroom. But I don’t say it, because every time I say it, they only talk about that one. Because it’s sort of gross to talk about, right? So I won’t talk about the fact that people have to flush their toilet 15 times. I will not talk about it. I’ll only talk about showers. But there is three things . . . When you wash your hands it takes five times longer, you get soapy, you can’t get it off.”
Really. I said that. Verbatim. You can look it up. Because my toilets are eccheptional … um, excheptunal … er, they’re really, really good. I have the best toilets. And when it comes to important things that need to be talked about, there’s nothing more important than bathrooms. And when you are a very stable genius, you have to be focused on the important things. So I talk about toilets.
And dishwashers. Toilets and dishwashers. Because I made dishwashers great again. So I said, “The dishwashers, they tend to have a little problem, they didn’t get enough water, like, so people would run ’em 10 times, so they end up using more water, and the thing’s no damn good. Now you can buy a dishwasher, and it comes out. It’s beautiful.”