So I made toilets and dishwashers great again. And beautiful. And Mexico paid for it.
And you’re tired of all this winning, right? Like I predicted, “You’ll say, ‘Please, please. It’s too much winning. We can’t take it anymore, Mr. Columnist, it’s too much.’ And I’ll say, ‘No, it isn’t!'” And nothing says winning like toilets that flush. Even if they’re sort of gross to talk about.
Some people are confused by all this. They are weak losers. Sad! Maybe they should inject disinfectants to make themselves better.
Because I am the one to keep columns great. And suburban housewives should read my columns. Like I said recently, “Can I ask you to do me a favor? Suburban women, will you please like me? I saved your damn neighborhood, OK?” Really, I said that. You can look it up.
So you should read my columns and not the other guy. He will take away God. That’s what I said once. The other columnist will “take away your guns and your oil and your God.” Because if there are some things that belong in the same sentence, they are guns, oil and God. And maybe toilets.
I’m just a columnist
You might think this sounds like the ranting of a deranged, incompetent charlatan who is desperate for validation. Like somebody who has no capacity for introspection. Like an insecure dotard. Wrong! Those words are much too large to be in my leckikon … um, lixiccon …. er, I don’t use them. I don’t use bigly words. Except for kakistrocracy. That’s the best word. Look it up.
Never mind. I’ll explain it. Kakistocracy means, “government by the least suitable or competent citizens of a state.” It just came to mind. I don’t know why.
Because kakistrocracy has nothing to do with keeping columns great. And you should be happy that I am just a columnist and not something important. Can you imagine if somebody important talked like this, using only the best words? Like if they said, “No, I don’t take any responsibility at all”?
But you, the American reader, can help make columns great again. Because we can get rid of all the gross stuff. We just need to make sure we flush.
