I write the best columns. Nobody writes better columns than I do. They’re huge; they’re beautiful; everybody loves my columns. Believe me.
You already knew that; I have written about it before. Over and over again. Many times, so many beautiful, beautiful times. But there is always more to write, because I have the best words and I write the best columns. And I share them with you, the American reader. And with your help I can keep columns great, because I already made columns great again.
Like recently, when I was speaking to a bigly group of people. I was using only the best words and I said: “I hate to say the three things. It’s the shower, it’s the sink, and you know the third element in the bathroom. But I don’t say it, because every time I say it, they only talk about that one. Because it’s sort of gross to talk about, right? So I won’t talk about the fact that people have to flush their toilet 15 times. I will not talk about it. I’ll only talk about showers. But there is three things . . . When you wash your hands it takes five times longer, you get soapy, you can’t get it off.”
Really. I said that. Verbatim. You can look it up. Because my toilets are eccheptional … um, excheptunal … er, they’re really, really good. I have the best toilets. And when it comes to important things that need to be talked about, there’s nothing more important than bathrooms. And when you are a very stable genius, you have to be focused on the important things. So I talk about toilets.
