Jayne: Make columns great again

By Greg Jayne, Columbian Opinion Editor

Published: October 25, 2020, 6:02am

I write the best columns. Nobody writes better columns than I do. They’re huge; they’re beautiful; everybody loves my columns. Believe me.

You already knew that; I have written about it before. Over and over again. Many times, so many beautiful, beautiful times. But there is always more to write, because I have the best words and I write the best columns. And I share them with you, the American reader. And with your help I can keep columns great, because I already made columns great again.

Like recently, when I was speaking to a bigly group of people. I was using only the best words and I said: “I hate to say the three things. It’s the shower, it’s the sink, and you know the third element in the bathroom. But I don’t say it, because every time I say it, they only talk about that one. Because it’s sort of gross to talk about, right? So I won’t talk about the fact that people have to flush their toilet 15 times. I will not talk about it. I’ll only talk about showers. But there is three things . . . When you wash your hands it takes five times longer, you get soapy, you can’t get it off.”

Really. I said that. Verbatim. You can look it up. Because my toilets are eccheptional … um, excheptunal … er, they’re really, really good. I have the best toilets. And when it comes to important things that need to be talked about, there’s nothing more important than bathrooms. And when you are a very stable genius, you have to be focused on the important things. So I talk about toilets.

And dishwashers. Toilets and dishwashers. Because I made dishwashers great again. So I said, “The dishwashers, they tend to have a little problem, they didn’t get enough water, like, so people would run ’em 10 times, so they end up using more water, and the thing’s no damn good. Now you can buy a dishwasher, and it comes out. It’s beautiful.”

So I made toilets and dishwashers great again. And beautiful. And Mexico paid for it.

And you’re tired of all this winning, right? Like I predicted, “You’ll say, ‘Please, please. It’s too much winning. We can’t take it anymore, Mr. Columnist, it’s too much.’ And I’ll say, ‘No, it isn’t!'” And nothing says winning like toilets that flush. Even if they’re sort of gross to talk about.

Some people are confused by all this. They are weak losers. Sad! Maybe they should inject disinfectants to make themselves better.

Because I am the one to keep columns great. And suburban housewives should read my columns. Like I said recently, “Can I ask you to do me a favor? Suburban women, will you please like me? I saved your damn neighborhood, OK?” Really, I said that. You can look it up.

So you should read my columns and not the other guy. He will take away God. That’s what I said once. The other columnist will “take away your guns and your oil and your God.” Because if there are some things that belong in the same sentence, they are guns, oil and God. And maybe toilets.

I’m just a columnist

You might think this sounds like the ranting of a deranged, incompetent charlatan who is desperate for validation. Like somebody who has no capacity for introspection. Like an insecure dotard. Wrong! Those words are much too large to be in my leckikon … um, lixiccon …. er, I don’t use them. I don’t use bigly words. Except for kakistrocracy. That’s the best word. Look it up.

Never mind. I’ll explain it. Kakistocracy means, “government by the least suitable or competent citizens of a state.” It just came to mind. I don’t know why.

Because kakistrocracy has nothing to do with keeping columns great. And you should be happy that I am just a columnist and not something important. Can you imagine if somebody important talked like this, using only the best words? Like if they said, “No, I don’t take any responsibility at all”?

But you, the American reader, can help make columns great again. Because we can get rid of all the gross stuff. We just need to make sure we flush.