In Our View: Santa’s Christmas letter to us

Dear Clark County residents:

I always read your letters. As Santa Claus, that’s my job. Usually I don’t write back, but this year has been extraordinary. So I wanted to let you know what was on my mind.

First, I hope you enjoy your Christmas presents. Clark County is a nice place, and many of you were very deserving this year.

If you didn’t get the gift of your dreams, I apologize. At the start of the season, I hoped to fulfill every deserving wish. After having to work remotely last Christmas due to the pandemic, I was able to adopt a hybrid work model this year. I came into the malls several days per week, while also being available on Facebook, Twitter, Zoom, Microsoft Teams and SnapChat. Frankly, it was exhausting. I’m 1,750 years old, you know, so technology doesn’t come naturally to me. And I don’t like it when youngsters say, “OK, boomer.”

I did finally get my shopping list assembled. It was massive. The economy was surprisingly good this year, so I had a little more money to spend. That was a good thing, as the prices of everything seemed to be a lot higher. Did you know this year the price of top-quality hay is up by $53 a ton? I think Blitzen is going to have to go on a diet. Gifts cost more, too. And due to the chip shortage, I couldn’t buy a PlayStation 5 at any price.

Once I placed my orders, I had more trouble. There’s a worker shortage. Elves are at a premium, particularly here at the North Pole, which is considered a disadvantaged location. My elves demanded to set their own hours, and several want to work remotely from the Kona Coast.

Now mind you, the North Pole is a nice place. There’s no traffic. Plus it’s getting much warmer. In fact, some scientists predict that within the next 20 years, Arctic ice will melt in the summers. If this keeps up, I might put in an employee swimming pool.

Because of the worker shortage, I had to buy more gifts from China this year. That was another mess. If you can get your containers on a ship, the prices are through the roof. There’s a weekslong delay in unloading them at U.S. ports. Then you can’t find trucks. I even tried using the post office, but mail delivery is much slower than it used to be. So if your gift is late, I apologize!

I guess there is one bright spot, at least for those of you who are on my naughty list. Let’s just say that you should be glad that Santa no longer distributes chunks of coal. Burning fossil fuel is bad for the planet and its inhabitants. I’m trying to use less.

Not only that, but in Vancouver, there’s a moratorium on fossil fuel-distribution facilities. If I distributed lumps of coal, I might be breaking the law. I consulted my in-house counsel, and they strongly recommended substituting organic kale for anthracite coal. Note to all you anti-vaxxers: Check Google for recipes.

Finally, it was Christmas Eve. My favorite day. I was up early to get the sleigh packed in plenty of time. But then, more trouble. It turns out that Washington vehicle insurance costs are way up. The insurance commissioner no longer allows credit scores to be used to calculate rates. That cost me an extra grand.

I was insured and ready to go by dusk. I may look old and fat, but I am still quite the athlete. I delivered all of Clark County in less than five minutes. I quit smoking my pipe a few years back, so that helps, and my Type 2 diabetes prevents me from stopping to eat the cookies. (I take them to the elves.)

When I got home, I was tired, but I felt great. Will I do it again next year? Probably so. But I gotta tell you, it’s wearing on me.