Labor and love: 1 in 10 Clark County residents are caregivers, dealing with isolation and rewards

It’s also lonely, even though 1 in 10 Clark County residents are caregivers, according to Area Agency on Aging and Disabilities of Southwest Washington.

That’s why some caregivers have formed tight communities, reaching out to each other for guidance and lending an ear to grievances. Keys tried to fill this need by starting her own nonprofit to support caregivers called Loving Them Forward.

But caregivers also say they want other people to understand what their lives are like and remember that everyone needs care, especially those giving so much of themselves.

Whether it’s holding open the door for the person pushing a wheelchair, mailing a card, giving them a hug, or sending a text wishing them well, many caregivers simply want to be acknowledged, Keys said.

“I think just the biggest thing is we want to be seen,” Keys said. “We are not sharing the whole story with you about what our care journey is like and what it’s really like inside of us.”

The transition

Sometimes, it’s easy to point to a single moment when someone will need care — a stroke, a car crash or a hard fall. Other times, the realization is gradual, after a series of hospital visits or trips to a family member’s disarrayed home.

Amy Ruger used to work as a paraeducator at Mountain View High School in the English Language Learners program, where her mother had worked before her.

But after her boyfriend of eight years was diagnosed with kidney failure, she had to take more and more days off to care for him. Caring for him has become her full-time job as he awaits a new kidney. She spends around five hours four days a week helping him with treatment.

In her Vancouver home, Ruger gingerly stepped over the tubes of blood connecting her boyfriend’s arm to a large dialysis machine. She moved with practiced grace as she plugged in bits and bobs on the intimidating machine.

Although she’s happy to care for the man she loves, she misses her old job and the kids she used to teach.

She has plenty of friends and family. Yet she still feels alone sometimes.

“As much as people can kind of sympathize with you, they can’t really understand what it is that you go through,” she said.

Ruger doesn’t get a chance to leave her house very often, so she joined online groups of caregivers.

“If there’s someone in your life who is a caregiver, just check in with them, because it can get lonely. People don’t understand, but sometimes you just want somebody to kind of be there and hold space for you. And just sometimes you just want to go meet a friend for coffee,” she said.

Keys understands that desire. After she started caring for her mom, going to the movies with friends didn’t rest upon whether she had to get up early or if she was interested in the show. She could only leave the house if someone could watch her mother.

Even when she did pay for someone to watch her mother, she’d have her hand pressed to her phone, feeling for a vibration in case her mom needed help.

“There’s a lot of anxiety and depression that comes along with watching somebody you love slowly decline and you are powerless to change that,” she said.

After a while, the invitations stopped. And although Keys understood she had to cancel and could never be fully present in the way she used to, it pained her.

“You feel lost and then you feel ashamed, like you’re doing something wrong,” she said.

She encourages people not to sever their relationships with caregivers, but instead reshape them. Rather than going out, she said, maybe ask to come over to their house and play cards or watch a movie. That reminds them they’re not alone, even though life looks different now.

Spending time with a caregiver may help someone understand what it’s like, she said.

“The fact is, most of us will either need care or have to care for a loved one at some point in our lifetime,” Keys said.

Never a day off

Watching a loved one struggle can be incredibly painful, caregivers say.

Matthew Philbrook’s mom was the person he’d go to when he needed something. So when she began needing help after developing Alzheimer’s disease, it was a difficult transition.

She moved in with him after Philbrook noticed rotting food and reminder notes everywhere in her home. And, although he works as a home care aide for children, nothing could have prepared him for that experience, he said.

“As much training as I had, as much knowledge as I had, as much research as I had done — it didn’t matter when it came to the experience of my own mom,” he said.

Alzheimer’s often comes with behavioral changes and unfounded suspicions about friends and family. Philbrook’s heart broke when his mother, who had cared for him so dearly, would accuse him of lying and stealing.

His mother moved into a memory care facility recently, where she and other residents share sweaters and switch glasses, happily not knowing whose items are whose. But Philbrook still remembers how hard the perpetual challenge of caring for his mother was.

“Any different response from my mom, other than her just generous love from before, was such a shock,” he said. “It was just every day of that. I mean, there wasn’t a day off. I didn’t have days off.”

Carol Simon-Perry knows what it’s like to yearn for a day off. She’s cared for her paraplegic son for eight years. Although she wants to be the one to care for him, she also wishes she could be like other 66-year-olds she sees.

“I want to retire and go on trips, but I can’t because I have to be here. I want to be like the other retirees that can go and come and go as they please, but you can’t,” she said.

Those feelings of despondence and frustration are why many caregivers have joined support groups.

One of those groups meets every Tuesday at the Unitarian Universalist Church of Vancouver. Marilyn Hill, who used to care for her elderly mother, has been part of the group for eight years.

Many in the group, like her, are no longer caregivers. They’re there to help others in the group navigate the process of caregiving. That means sharing tips about medical providers, insurance and strategies.

The group members also help each other through the emotional stages of caregiving, which shifts a person’s mindset and reality, Hill said.

“You can just feel like you’re the only one, and that’s not true at all. There are all kinds of lovely, wonderful people who want to help you through it,” she said.

If caregivers are overwhelmed by their responsibilities and feel alone, Hill recommends reaching out to a support group like hers.

“There’s a group of people that are on your side, that have your back,” Hill said.

Being a caregiver was one of the most amazing honors she’s ever had, she said. And when the care someone gives away is replaced by care from others, the experience can be so much less daunting, she said.

“It’s a tough journey, but it’s a beautiful journey,” she said.